Bush vs. Gore, part 2

Originally published December 8, 2000, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1412

Well, well… who says that there are no third acts in life?

First act: The Presidential campaign. Second act: Election Day. Third act: The Aftermath, during which time the usually State-rights-oriented GOP is suddenly all for stopping Floridians from exercising their voting rights, and Dubbya backs hand counts as governor but not as a presidential candidate. Meantime the Democrats risk looking like little girly-man whiners, playing a high-stakes game that could backfire all the way into 2004 if the votes don’t turn around, while waiting to see if Gore’s appointing the Jewish Lieberman as his running mate pays off in a huge number of votes from Israeli-situated Floridians. At least, that’s how matters stand in this snapshot moment in time (naturally the situation will have shifted again by the time this column sees print.)

Meantime, I got the following missive from Michael B., who said:

I just read your But I Digress regarding the presidential debates and I agreed with most of it, especially Bush as Plastic Man. You went on to mention that you thought Ralph Nader was Elongated Man (and the mental image of Nader’s noise twitching did cause those around me to cast strange looks at seeing a chunky guy like myself giggling in the middle of Barnes and Noble). But it got me thinking. If Bush is Plas and Gore is Reed Richards (though I do think that’s a little more credit than he deserves, but that’s just me) and if Nader is Elongated Man, then who are Pat Buchanan and Harry Browne?

After a bit of thought, I came to the conclusion that Pat is John Walker, US Agent. If you look at John’s early appearances and the time in which he was Captain America and not a complete, raving psycho, their rhetoric really matches. Taking America back to what it “should” be. Getting rid of immigrants. God, country and mom’s apple pie. Of course, like John Walker, Pat is not to be trusted. Mr. Buchanan’s radio ads gave me a serious case of the willies. But if Pat was to be a comic books character, I think he would be US Agent.

As far as Harry Browne, I can’t really come up with a good character to compare him to. Since the Libertarian party is for a smaller role of government, it would have to be someone who was not a team player and something of a smaller tier character. So I’m wondering what your thoughts on this were. What character do you think would best represent Harry Browne?

That’s an interesting question. There are several aspects to be considered.

I would argue as to whether the Libertarian candidate would genuinely be a “smaller tier” character. In terms of pure numbers, the Libertarians (at least according to their claims) fielded more candidates and raised more money than most of the other third parties, including the Green Party. And besides, although they’ve been featured in high profile team books, I don’t know that I’d call either Plas or Elongated Man (which, let’s face it, has got to be one of the clunkiest names in comics, second only to Matter-Eater Lad) “first-tier” characters. Arguing for government having a smaller role in life indicates simply that the party is arguing for the rights of the people and the importance of the little guy. And let’s face it: What candidate is going to say that the rights and interests of the people aren’t of paramount importance? Unless, y’know, it’s the rights of 19,000 people in Florida mystified by a voting ballot. It’s like the entire nation is stuck in line behind someone who can’t fathom why shoving their Mobil gas card into an ATM won’t get them cash.

So what we’re looking for is someone who considers himself a champion of the little guy. Someone for whom government-supported aids—such as the police—simply aren’t enough. Someone who has visible means of support, but isn’t—as Mr. Bailey says—a team player.

After giving it some thought—and with no intent to comment on the political leanings of one of Marvel’s flagship characters—I tend to think Harry Browne would be Spider-Man.

What sent me in that direction? Well, for a while I was considering the Creeper (too scary) and then I was thinking Ambush Bug (not scary enough). But ultimately, here’s what sent me crawling toward Spidey. First, Browne is a staunch advocate of allowing people to own guns. That ostensibly gun ownership by private citizens cuts down on crime, and gun controls only keeps guns out of the hands of law abiding folks while the bad guys get them and use them whenever they feel like it.

I offer you the following Libertarian thinking: If Uncle Ben had had a gun, he might be alive today. But no… Uncle Ben was so busy spending money buying microscopes (original version) or computers (Chapter One version) or just hanging around issue after issue and not frickin’ dying (Ultimate version) that he didn’t have the money left for valuable home defense measures. For that matter, such wimpish add-ons as safety locks (because they had a teenager in the house) would have thwarted Ben from using the gun in a timely manner when faced with the burglar who obviously wasn’t bothering with safety locks. For that matter, if the people at the box office in the Coliseum where Spidey was performing had been armed, or if the security guard had been armed, Spidey wouldn’t have been faced with the prospect of standing there and letting the burglar get away. The burglar would have been wounded or dead before he got anywhere near our hero.

But as long as lame pinko wimps fight for gun control, trying to prevent the citizenry from arming itself as is its right, Spider-Man is going to have to fill in the gap.

And there’s one further resemblance: The name. It seems simple, but gets misspelled. A lot. Spider-Man gets written as Spiderman all the time. Likewise Harry Browne has to worry about the “e” being dropped from his name. Indeed, even Michael Bailey spelled it “Brown” in his letter. So that’s my thought: Harry Browne is the Amazing Spider-Man.

Of course, it’s all moot for this year… unless (and I figure it’s unlikely) some part of the election gets rerun. Still, I’m amused by people who are claiming that we’re in the midst of some sort of crisis. That the current snafu is somehow a threat to democracy. Nonsense. This country has survived: A civil war; presidents who won without the popular vote; two impeached presidents; assassinated presidents; a president who resigned in disgrace and was succeeded by a president who had no mandate because he hadn’t been elected to the office. With all of that, I think we can survive Palm Beach, Florida.

And as two would-be leaders fight for the honor of being elected into the cursed twenty-year-slot—which every president in the past century and a half has failed to survive with the exception of Ronald Reagan, and even then it was a near thing—I would humbly suggest that this entire business is not only not harmful to the USA, but is instead the single best thing that could have happened. Half the damned population still didn’t vote, and one of the most oft-cited reasons is the feeling that one person’s vote doesn’t matter. At this moment in time, Bush leads Gore in Florida by a princely three hundred votes. This whole thing is a massive civics lesson. Go into any coffee shop and hear spirited debate as to whether the Electoral College should be abolished, being held by people who—two weeks ago—barely remembered the details of the EC from their high school social studies class. The fact that there are established means and rules of seeking redress of grievances in the courts doesn’t weaken our democracy; it’s what makes it great. The current problems should have no long-lasting affect on the presidency at all. But I’m hoping that it shakes the complacency of voters and non-voters alike so that henceforth elections will be what they always should have been: Meaningful representations of the voice of the people.

In the meantime, if we’re looking for an acting president… how about Martin Sheen? He’s already an acting president, so it wouldn’t be much of a chore.

(Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to at Second Age, Inc., PO Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705.)