Relationship Secrets .... Successfully Avoiding His Withdrawal

Typically most intimate relationships that manage to last any length of time will peak at some point while you’re still spending a considerable amount of time together in an effort to get to know each another. Everything still feels all shiny and new as life seems to be presenting endless opportunities for dynamic discovery. Over time you’ve developed a meaningful physical and emotional connection wherein both partners seem completely in synch and at ease with one another, but then it happens ….. just when everything should be right with your world, as a woman you begin to start thinking about commitment, only here’s where things start to go terribly wrong.

Determined to be one of the so-called ‘cool girls’ who exudes self-confidence, refuses to act clingy or exhibit any visible signs of needy behavior, you decide to allow your relationship to continue navigating on auto-pilot while beginning to ask yourself the same questions you should be asking out loud. Does he really care as deeply for me as I do him, or am I just fooling myself into believing an ‘ideal’ that doesn’t really exist? Has he failed to move us forward because he’s lost confidence in us as a couple? And the worst question of all ….. have all of my efforts been reduced to an enormous ‘waste of time’ due to the fact he’s incapable of any kind of real commitment?

Once this occurs, interactions between you become more strained and difficult over time as you place your partner and your relationship as a whole underneath the watchful gaze of a life-sized microscope designed to determine the validity of your connection. Any man who assumes women aren't analytical creatures, hasn’t met a woman in love, as she will – almost inevitably – at some point begin to dissect and subsequently label every conceivable action and nuance until she thinks she has a firm grasp on exactly where things are headed.

In the meantime, your partner has managed to pick up on all of your queues – overt and subtle – from the fact that you’re acting suspect of his every motive and movement as if ‘something’s up’ and that what was once casual and fun – almost effortless time spent together – has morphed into more of a challenge to try and figure out how to make you ‘happy’. In addition, he begins to feel like you’re just not as ‘into him’ as you once were, but you’re reluctant to move on because you don’t want to feel alone. As a result – due to a built-in defense mechanism – he begins to pull away, sensing the need to protect his own pride and feelings for fear of being hurt.

Therefore, he doesn’t pay as much attention to you as he once did. He’s working more hours than usual and complaining about fatigue as opposed to rallying his remaining energy at the end of his work day to spend time with you. His calls become less frequent and intimacy diminishes. Now – with good reason to become completely paranoid – you begin to convince yourself he must be seeing someone else.

As a result, the next ‘logical’ step is to do the very thing you’ve resisted doing up to this point in time ….. it’s finally time for the ‘talk’ but rather than initiate a compassionate conversation designed to get at the heart of the matter, you go off with both guns blazing, absolutely certain that he’s somehow done you wrong. Thus all the fears and frustrations you’ve held inside all this time, thus allowing them to fester and grow, manifest in the form of a crazy woman who’s completely caught her man off guard. He gets defensive ….. perhaps even dares to utter those dreaded words no woman wants to hear, “You’re acting insane!” And it’s all downhill from there.

Now for the sake of argument let’s reconsider the differences between women and men and how that translates into our relationships. While men need to come to terms with the fact that the moment most women experience intimacy, wheels inside their heads naturally begin to turn in the direction of commitment and exclusivity, on the other hand, women need to understand that not all men necessarily will feel the same. They are capable of enjoying your company while spending a considerable amount of time together without necessarily feeling as if there are any strings attached whatsoever. ‘Casual and fun’ implies just that ….. not serious. Consequently, for women to get what they want out of a relationship they have to first be willing to reveal their vulnerability by communicating to a man exactly what her needs, wants and desires for this relationship happen to be, even if doing so means running the risk of losing him. As potentially painful as that may sound, it is the lesser of two evils when it comes to further investing your time and energy into something that can only be considered a losing proposition.

When it comes to intimate relationships, we all tend to be a little too egocentric. It’s only natural to want to make certain your physical, emotional and spiritual needs are being met at all times, but it’s almost life-affirming when you manage to shift focus from the purely selfish act of receiving solely for the sake of self, to becoming willing to give of yourself for the sake of first meeting his needs. In order to do this you must attempt to view the same situation from his perspective in order to try and decipher his emotional state, his ability and willingness to communicate what’s on the inside and where he’s coming from when he fails to understand you. When you manage to do this, you’re letting him know your concerns extend to how you’re relating as a couple, which manages to fold into the conversation his needs as well as your own, thereby serving to bring you together versus breaking you apart.

Let’s face it …. men – for the most part – are just not as comfortable confronting heavy, emotional issues as we women, therefore the onus falls upon us if we are to make manifest the kind of loving and supportive relationship we all fantasize about having for ourselves. However, if a man truly loves a woman, then he’s anxious to please her. Therefore, once approached from out of a place of genuine concern for the both of you, he will no doubt at least make an effort to hear you and contribute to the discussion.

Speaking only for myself, I’ve learned the hard way that when my thinking remains unchecked for too long a time, allowing my imagination to run rampant as if spreading destruction at the same devastating rate as an arson-set forest fire bolstered by the Santa Anna winds, it’s beneficial for me to plan a quick ‘mental retreat’ wherein I devote time and reflection into developing avenues for more positive thinking. Pass times like meditation and communing with nature serve to quiet my mind and enable me to release the negativity that has managed to seep into my thought processes over the course of time. I simply inform my partner I need to impose a much needed time-out to do some work on myself, and he knows I’ll return when it’s time. It’s wonderful how maturity can work to your benefit once you begin to utilize the lessons you’ve learned over time. Then when I return I’m ready not only to own my feelings but to discuss them in a manner designed to expand both our consciousness while respecting the integrity of what we have together. It’s taken a long time, but I’ve finally come to understand it’s not necessary to suffer within the confines of a relationship in order to grow within it, because the tools for real growth already exist within each of us. All we have to do is ‘open the tool box’.