Having all the answers

I had a really interesting critique of my blog writing via linkedin yesterday. “I also wanted to thank you, Nimue, for another insular, slanted and largely unexamined piece. As an outsider looking in to the Druid life that you portray, it appears that your penchant for confusing fantasy, and your own distorted thoughts and feelings — for truth — is a continuing theme. I still haven’t figured out yet what your writing has to do with leading a loving, open, unified, spiritual life. But then again, only very special people are Druids!” (https://www.linkedin.com/nhome/updates?topic=5876276182550351872&trk=eml_comment__view_update&fromEmail=fromEmail&ut=3Wn8O_ApzYlSg1)

I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I’ve come to the conclusion that in many ways, that’s a correct assessment. Insular – absolutely, there is only one of me and I do not claim to speak for anyone else. Unexamined – well, no one else examines my output, and although I reflect on my own experiences to try and make sense of them, compared to a psychological, scientific or academic approach, I’m a lightweight. Penchant for confusing fantasy – I admit I do love Philip K Dick, although that probably wasn’t what was meant. I find life confusing, full of challenges, surprises, things that awe and bewilder me. I write sometimes to share that. Is it fantasy? I do not think I am in any position to judge! It’s nigh on impossible to be rigorously objective about innately subjective experience. Is any inner life more than fantasy if you are stood on the outside of it?

My distorted thoughts and feelings. That’s been a long and challenging journey for me, trying to ascertain what is mine and what has been imposed on me, what is fair assessment and what is distortion. There are days when I get it wrong, sometimes to awful effect. I have emotional responses other people sometimes find confusing, and sometimes I get very confused by how other people react to things. So yes, I have no doubt that other people will see some of my responses as distorted, that’s fine. My responses are what I’ve got, and while I acknowledge they may seem wonky, I don’t think that invalidates me as a person. I’m just a wonky person attempting to express themselves.

I don’t have a unified, spiritual life – guilty as charged. Doubt, uncertainty, maybeism and an absence of dogma frame my whole approach to spirituality so ‘unified’ isn’t really an option for me, and I’m fine with that.

Open… it’s funny that I can be all of those other things and not be open. I’m not sure I have the technical skill to offer more openness, perhaps this goes with ‘unexamined’ although I could be uncharitable and suggest the author of the critique hadn’t considered the inherent contradictions here.

Loving… ah yes. I love it when people come to me with all the open hearted love that allows them to write in this way – because we all know that this kind of challenge represents the deepest, most generous love that the universe can offer us, yes? Or perhaps not. If there’s anything that defines my life right now it is, I think the quest for the open heart, and the continual expanding into greater love. To do more, give more, be more, to love with few conditions and less regard for personal safety, to give, and give. But it’s not wholly unguarded and unconditional. Nonetheless, I really can love the challenge to try and make something good out of something that was clearly meant to wound me. So the only point in the whole thing I’m really going to argue is that I don’t lead a loving life, but, if this critique is what a loving spiritual life looks like, I am evidently some other thing and that’s fine by me.

I wonder what she intended and what effect she hoped to get. Why bother to write something like that? What does it achieve? A moment of relishing feeling superior, perhaps? Score one against the Druids? Why bother to read my stuff if it offends you that much? Why waste minutes of your life on me in this way? My curiosity about what makes people tick makes it hard for me to ignore something so utterly confounding. I’m confused still, insular, slanted, distorted… and unapologetic.