Hello Darkness, my old friend

Only it’s not a friend at all. Depression is no friend. And it’s hounding me again. After many years. Apparently it doesn’t like the glory that’s been taking place in my life, the breakthrough I’ve stepped into. This new level of faith and life and purpose.

Faith is an interesting journey. Not some smooth sailing glide into heaven, no not at all. It’s a joyous journey to be sure. That would be the joy of the Lord. It’s pretty amazing, too. To be in the midst of the worst possible scenario or circumstance imaginable – and have peace! It’s indescribable.

The thing is, the more we seek to follow God, to honor His Word, to live in His Truth, the more hell sets out to keep us from it. The thing of it is, hell has no power. Zero, Zip. Nada.

Yup. You read that right. Hell truly has no power. Satan is a liar, that’s it. That’s his “super power.” Pretty lame. He lied right there in the Garden of Eden, “Did God really say that?”

And Adam and Eve fell for it. Don’t be too hasty to point fingers at them, though. If they hadn’t screwed it up, somebody else would have. Something to do with being human and not perfect.

Remember my post from two weeks ago? “Once upon a time, there was a little girl who was invisible. Or she thought she was invisible, felt that way at least. And when she felt people were staring at her, she wished she was invisible. That little girl was me. Hello, my name is Robin, and I’m a recovering invisiblet. I wasn't shy, I was terrified.” He lied to me. He told me I was worthless, not good enough. He said I didn’t deserve anything Papa God promised me. He used those closest to me to perpetrate the lie. Candy coated to look like a good thing, like it was encouragement.

Well guess what! The promises of God are “Yes and amen!” The gifts of God are without repentance. See that little word? Gifts? That’s not payment for services rendered, as in a wage earned. It’s a gift. A present. Like you give to someone you love for a special occasion. Or for no reason at all. Just ‘cause you love ‘em. To show ‘em you love ‘em. God does that.

He has promised to never leave us or forsake us. Even when we tell Him to. Or when we walk away from Him, He’s there, just a whisper away. Countless times He meddles. And by meddle I mean He runs interference on the schemes of the enemy, you know, the one who lies and wants us dead. And sometimes, Papa God just overwhelms us with His goodness. He’s pretty amazing like that. Remember my pork chop story last week? Yeah, like that.

So why is my “old friend” hanging around? Better question: why in the name of all that is good and holy am I entertaining it? Dunno. Don’t have a good answer. The easy answer: I’m tired. Not just tired-I-need-a-nap tired. But weary-tired-of-fighting tired. This is a battle I’ve faced my whole life. This depression. This lack. I don’t just mean money. That’s true enough. [reality vs truth for another writing] I’m talking about utter lack. The aforementioned self-esteem? Lack. Utterly. Formerly. Identity? As in knowing who I am? Lack. Utterly. Formerly.

There is another lack, this one especially painful. Relationships. Lack. Utterly. Formerly. God is relational. He’s all about the relationship. That same lack of confidence crippled me in relationships. Past tense. I’ve solid friendships now, my core friendships. Still, I am painfully excruciatingly alone. And lonely. Yes, Jesus is the Friend Who never leaves us. Yes, He is with me in every moment whether I acknowledge Him or not. Yes, I can talk to Him 24/7. But ya know what? He also manifests His presence through others. And while I cherish and appreciate all who are there for me and disparage no one [no one can “be there” all the time] the fact remains that most of my time I spend painfully alone. Yes, I get lost in my books, both reading and writing. Yes, I’ve my art and my kitties to keep me company. Sometimes, though, we need to hear a human voice and feel a human touch. Apostle said it this morning, don’t neglect those around you. Don’t neglect the relationships Papa has blessed you with. Don’t neglect the happenstance connection, the neighbor, in the aisle at the store, on the job or in the classroom. Truly, they are not coincidental, rather they are Divine assignments.

Still, there’s fall out from years of lack. The mountain is gone – see Mark 11:23, “For assuredly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be removed and cast into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that those things he says will be done, he will have whatever he says.” So the mountain of lack is gone. I’m embracing my identity, my daughter-of-the-King status – I’m a Princess. For realz!!! I’m an artist. I make art. And it’s good. And an author. I write. Good stuff. I communicate….. getting there. And money. I’m blessed to be a blessing. Also getting there. And relationships. Growing.

But the lack-monster [aka Goliath] doesn’t let go so easy. He’s dead, but he’s still trying to fight me. And the waves are huge. Waves, as in walking on the water and keep my eyes on Jesus not on the waves. And I listen to lies, lies that I’m not doing it right. That I can’t really expect God to help me, to rescue me. I’ve gotta do this, I’ve gotta do that. I gotta do it better, I didn’t do it right. Man, is that ever old news, on incessant replay. SILENCE!! I speak the Word of God, the Word of Truth to those lies. To that lie. To every lie. I speak the Word.

That’s the answer to every issue, every lack, every lie, every mountain we ever face. The Truth of the Word of God, spoken over our lives, ourselves, our battles. That’s the power we hold over the enemy.

So the intensity of this attack? Tells me the grandeur and opulence of what Papa’s doing. The intensity of this attack? Tells me I’m ON target with Papa, not off base. If I was off base, the enemy, the darkness would leave me be. He wants me off base. Guess I must be pretty spot on target. Based on this attack.

So. I think I’ve written myself right out of the Darkness. Good-bye Darkness, my old friend. Don’t come to talk to me again. I’ve nothing to say to you.