Five Things You Need for Spring

Okay, not “need.” Technically, you need nothing save for a good health insurance plan and tender love and care, which should theoretically be provided to yourself from, erm, yourself. But should you also want, say, a cherry on top of an ice cream sundae that comes replete with all the ingredients that make you feel full anyway, look no further than the Excel spreadsheet provided below. It will chronicle items and help analyze cost vs. supposed cost-per-wear taking into account time you spend in said items and how you rank, intrinsic feeling-wise, on a scale numbered 1-10.

Kidding, I’m totally kidding.

No Excel spreadsheet, no fake-data analysis. Just five good things I want and am therefore projecting onto you.

1. End-all-be-all Sunglasses. You know what I don’t like? Feeling like I have to have several different pairs of sunglasses to speak to the nuances of the girl I am trying to be on different days. I just want the ones. The Chameleonic Ones. Ideally, these make everything look cooler without also making me look either boring or crazy or both. As of right now, the only pair that has ever come close is this set of round frames by Ralph Lauren, which I had in houndstooth until recently, I lost them. I am now back at square A and considering either these or these.

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2. An Indulgent Scarf. Not to wear because it’s cold, even though frankly, it kind of is, but simply because if you’re willing to allow them to, scarves make the woman. If you’re lucky enough to find a really large square one, you can fold it in half so it takes the shape of a triangle and then wrap it around your neck, making sure that the widest point falls to the front. Then, you can wrap the narrower points around your neck and let them hang from the front thus creating the illusion of a top. The only thing else you’ll really need is a white tank or t-shirt and some jeans and if it gets really hot, you can reassess your scarf’s purpose and wear it as a sarong. I am partial toward the Spanish-style red and black scarf of one Dries Van Noten but it retails for $780.

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3. Interesting Jeans. Is it ever really a list of things I, personally, need if there isn’t at least one component of denim involved? I fell hard for the kooky flared jeans from Valentino’s S/S 2014 collection and even contemplated buying them but before I could muster the courage to drop it like its hot, those crazy culottes sold out so here I consider some jeans-can-be-the-hero-of-your-life-too alternatives.

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4. Off-the-Shoulder Anything. Except a ukulele because I don’t even know how that could be worn off the shoulder. I think it just occurred to me that I am trying to emulate a Spanish-step dweller this spring and I have no regrets at all about that. I’ve come across some very decent OTS blouses in my day and have recently become imprisoned by the offerings of one Vika Gazinskaya and another Alexander McQueen, but there is life after Net-A-Porter, or so I am told, so consider this a more approachable market suggestion.

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5. Clogs. I’ve spent the last few weeks trying really hard to look like a funky aunt. I know that seems like an unusual description but consider the role of an aunt, who is maternal enough to be related to someone who would go so far as to have a child and then the adjective “funky,” which is somehow frequently likened to both fashionability and earthiness, ergo clogs. There is a pair by Rochas, which I am nuts about, but I do also really like the ones by Swedish Hasbeens.

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Now tell me what you want!