Making changes
I’m very much a work in progress, trying to figure out how to live, how to relate to others and make sense of things. No doubt I’ll still be doing this to my last day. Part of the challenge is figuring out what I want, because without that, it’s impossible to make any sense of what I should be doing.
On reflection, I want to be able to push further and do more, and I think that’s viable if I’m clever about it. That means making changes to my diet so that I can sustain better levels of energy. I’m taking Sundays off – at least from the computer. It helps me clear my head, and I think more effectively for time out. Blogs like this one are set up in advance. I’m making a point of getting time off, and time outside. I’m also getting back to swimming, not just for the fitness aspect, but because being in water makes me happy and always has.
I need challenges, and also ones that can be met. The nearly impossible fires my mind, but the actually impossible can get depressing. I’m doing better at finding good challenges, and people to work with.
There is something happening, and I feel it, even though I can’t name it. Shifts beneath the surface of my awareness, rising up as a run of intense, colourful dreams, utterly incomprehensible, but loaded with implications nonetheless. The curious feeling that something at the surface of me has softened a little – like a seed shell expanding with water and ready to split in germination. A week ago I would not have said I had some kind of rigid and dead outer layer, but that may simply mean I had not noticed it. Only in becoming a tiny fraction more flexible does it become evident that something – I still don’t know what it is – had ossified rather.
The answer is to explore, experiment and see what comes next. The sense of something stirring, the feeling of potential growth – this has a large spiritual dimension to it, for me. I do not know where I’m going or what I’m doing, and that’s entirely fine. There is just a sense of having been called to step up, and to let go and see where that takes me.
