Spring Query Extravaganza #2
It's here!! I'll be doing a limited number of query critiques in the next few weeks to celebrate spring. Right now I have no spots open. Keep watching and it's likely I'll reopen near the end of the month.
Participants must comment on other Spring Query entries to pay it forward.
Now to the fine print:
All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees. Plus, you know, I'm leaving pink comments in celebration of spring so you have to be able to tolerate pink.
As sent to me:
Blood Reign is a YA Fantasy retelling of Alice in Wonderland meets Wizard of Oz set in a medieval world.
Seventeen-year-old Alice never considered herself the suicidal type. That is, until she finds herself cornered between the men who killed her mother and a five-hundred-foot drop. Rather than facing the killers’ dark plans for her, Alice jumps.
Instead of falling to her death, Alice wakes up in the middle of a blood-soaked battlefield, where men in metal armour are slaughtering peasants. Alice flees from the battle and encounters an old seer, who believes Alice is destined to save this world from the evil queen and the tyranny of her army.
Refusing to believe she can save anyone, Alice sets out on a journey to find a witch with the power to return her to her world. To protect herself from marauders preying on women, Alice disguises herself as a man. Aided by a gorgeous runaway slave and a physician, Alice must survive the ongoing war between the evil queen and the rebels—even if it means killing people to get home.
BLOOD REIGN is my debut novel. Complete at 76,000 words, it works well as a standalone and also has a series potential. I hope it would appeal to fans of the Alanna series by Tamora Pierce.Thank you very much for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
With my crazy comments:
Blood Reign is a YA Fantasy retelling of Alice in Wonderland meets Wizard of Oz set in a medieval world. I see this is missing a word count. You'll need a number when you actually query. Leaving it off can be a warning sign to agents.
Seventeen-year-old Alice never considered herself the suicidal type. Concise and to the point. Be interesting to know what type she does consider herself. That would give more of her personality. This doesn't tell me what makes Alice be Alice. For instance: Seventeen-year-old Alice likes trying on dresses and afternoon tea, she never considered herself suicidal. Now we know she's a girly girl. That is, until she finds herself cornered between the men who killed her mother and a five-hundred-foot drop. I like that the details are specific. One other detail I might like to know is how long ago did they kill her mother. I bet you can sneak that into this sentence. Rather than facing the killers’ dark plans for her, Alice jumps. That does tell us more about Alice. We can judge her on her choices.
Instead of falling to her death, Alice wakes up in the middle of a blood-soaked battlefield, where men in metal armour(Using a GB spelling instead of American.) are slaughtering peasants. Alice flees from the battle and encounters an old seer, who believes Alice is destined to save this world from the evil queen and the tyranny of her army. (Okay but it's trending toward the synopsis side now. I like her for jumping/taking action. I want that activeness to continue. Also try and give it a little voice. Instead of becoming a pancake, Alice wakes on a blood-soaked battlefield, where crazies in metal armour are happily slaughtering peasants. Alice says poo-poo to that insanity and jets, but encounters an old seer, ...)
Refusing to believe she can save anyone, Alice sets out on a journeys(Why not just use 'journeys' to save word count?) to find a witch with the power to return her to her world.(A little awkward at the end. Maybe--to return her home.) Here is Alice's motivation. She wants out. Now we need to see what's stopping her. To protect herself from marauders preying on women, Alice disguises herself as a man.(This seems to be getting lost in a trifling detail. It's not a huge deal compared to the rest of the query. Plus it doesn't lead and build to the next sentence. It doesn't say what's stopping Alice from her goal. Cut and go for something more important.) Aided by a gorgeous runaway slave and a physician(I can see this is the love interest but we don't have any other context to judge these guys. They are just sort of flat. Maybe cut.), Alice must survive the ongoing war between the evil queen and the rebels—even if it means killing people to get home. And sorry but splat. You've gone generic. There are no nice juicy specifics here to make me want to read. Why can't she just hide from the queen and the rebels and creep to the witch? I'm guessing something makes her fight, but it's not here. Also what happened to her mother's killers? Does this world tie back to what happened with mom? The last sinker sentence is the perfect place to mention it! Shake Shake! Mention it!
Alice intends to creep under the radar, find and bribe the 'ya-right' witch, and get out of this weird version of Dodge. Then she discovers the evil Queen is behind her mother's death. Now she'll blank or blank will happen.
BLOOD REIGN is my debut novel. Complete at 76,000 words, it works well as a standalone and also has a series potential. I hope it would appeal to fans of the Alanna series by Tamora Pierce. (Ah, here's the word count. I would combine this with the first sentence and put at either the top or the bottom but not both places. It's taking up room. BLOOD REIGN is a YA Fantasy retelling of Alice in Wonderland meets Wizard of Oz set in a medieval world. Complete at 76,000 words...)
Thank you very much for your time and consideration.
Sincerely, (If you want to get picky, then you don't need both the thanks above and this sign off. Query Shark has recommended just going with thanks for your consideration.)
This is a query with all the details there, but it just needs a better sum up of the stakes. Also giving Alice a stronger voice will make an agent pay attention.
Participants must comment on other Spring Query entries to pay it forward.
Now to the fine print:
All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees. Plus, you know, I'm leaving pink comments in celebration of spring so you have to be able to tolerate pink.
As sent to me:
Blood Reign is a YA Fantasy retelling of Alice in Wonderland meets Wizard of Oz set in a medieval world.
Seventeen-year-old Alice never considered herself the suicidal type. That is, until she finds herself cornered between the men who killed her mother and a five-hundred-foot drop. Rather than facing the killers’ dark plans for her, Alice jumps.
Instead of falling to her death, Alice wakes up in the middle of a blood-soaked battlefield, where men in metal armour are slaughtering peasants. Alice flees from the battle and encounters an old seer, who believes Alice is destined to save this world from the evil queen and the tyranny of her army.
Refusing to believe she can save anyone, Alice sets out on a journey to find a witch with the power to return her to her world. To protect herself from marauders preying on women, Alice disguises herself as a man. Aided by a gorgeous runaway slave and a physician, Alice must survive the ongoing war between the evil queen and the rebels—even if it means killing people to get home.
BLOOD REIGN is my debut novel. Complete at 76,000 words, it works well as a standalone and also has a series potential. I hope it would appeal to fans of the Alanna series by Tamora Pierce.Thank you very much for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
With my crazy comments:
Blood Reign is a YA Fantasy retelling of Alice in Wonderland meets Wizard of Oz set in a medieval world. I see this is missing a word count. You'll need a number when you actually query. Leaving it off can be a warning sign to agents.
Seventeen-year-old Alice never considered herself the suicidal type. Concise and to the point. Be interesting to know what type she does consider herself. That would give more of her personality. This doesn't tell me what makes Alice be Alice. For instance: Seventeen-year-old Alice likes trying on dresses and afternoon tea, she never considered herself suicidal. Now we know she's a girly girl. That is, until she finds herself cornered between the men who killed her mother and a five-hundred-foot drop. I like that the details are specific. One other detail I might like to know is how long ago did they kill her mother. I bet you can sneak that into this sentence. Rather than facing the killers’ dark plans for her, Alice jumps. That does tell us more about Alice. We can judge her on her choices.
Instead of falling to her death, Alice wakes up in the middle of a blood-soaked battlefield, where men in metal armour(Using a GB spelling instead of American.) are slaughtering peasants. Alice flees from the battle and encounters an old seer, who believes Alice is destined to save this world from the evil queen and the tyranny of her army. (Okay but it's trending toward the synopsis side now. I like her for jumping/taking action. I want that activeness to continue. Also try and give it a little voice. Instead of becoming a pancake, Alice wakes on a blood-soaked battlefield, where crazies in metal armour are happily slaughtering peasants. Alice says poo-poo to that insanity and jets, but encounters an old seer, ...)
Refusing to believe she can save anyone, Alice sets out on a journeys(Why not just use 'journeys' to save word count?) to find a witch with the power to return her to her world.(A little awkward at the end. Maybe--to return her home.) Here is Alice's motivation. She wants out. Now we need to see what's stopping her. To protect herself from marauders preying on women, Alice disguises herself as a man.(This seems to be getting lost in a trifling detail. It's not a huge deal compared to the rest of the query. Plus it doesn't lead and build to the next sentence. It doesn't say what's stopping Alice from her goal. Cut and go for something more important.) Aided by a gorgeous runaway slave and a physician(I can see this is the love interest but we don't have any other context to judge these guys. They are just sort of flat. Maybe cut.), Alice must survive the ongoing war between the evil queen and the rebels—even if it means killing people to get home. And sorry but splat. You've gone generic. There are no nice juicy specifics here to make me want to read. Why can't she just hide from the queen and the rebels and creep to the witch? I'm guessing something makes her fight, but it's not here. Also what happened to her mother's killers? Does this world tie back to what happened with mom? The last sinker sentence is the perfect place to mention it! Shake Shake! Mention it!
Alice intends to creep under the radar, find and bribe the 'ya-right' witch, and get out of this weird version of Dodge. Then she discovers the evil Queen is behind her mother's death. Now she'll blank or blank will happen.
BLOOD REIGN is my debut novel. Complete at 76,000 words, it works well as a standalone and also has a series potential. I hope it would appeal to fans of the Alanna series by Tamora Pierce. (Ah, here's the word count. I would combine this with the first sentence and put at either the top or the bottom but not both places. It's taking up room. BLOOD REIGN is a YA Fantasy retelling of Alice in Wonderland meets Wizard of Oz set in a medieval world. Complete at 76,000 words...)
Thank you very much for your time and consideration.
Sincerely, (If you want to get picky, then you don't need both the thanks above and this sign off. Query Shark has recommended just going with thanks for your consideration.)
This is a query with all the details there, but it just needs a better sum up of the stakes. Also giving Alice a stronger voice will make an agent pay attention.
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