Spring Query Extravaganza #3
It's here!! I'll be doing a limited number of query critiques in the next few weeks to celebrate spring. Right now I have no spots open. Keep watching and it's likely I'll reopen near the end of the month.
Participants must comment on other Spring Query entries to pay it forward.
Now to the fine print:
All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees. Plus, you know, I'm leaving pink comments in celebration of spring so you have to be able to tolerate pink.
As sent to me:
Eleven-year-old Sylvie is angry at everyone. After her mother pulled her from school and relocated her and her sister to a stinky RV in a Louisiana campground, Sylvie gave up on making new friends. She'd rather hang out with the campground critters than explain her unusual hobbies to kids who'd only be around to make fun of her for a few days anyway.
When a mysterious fox leads her into the woods, Sylvie mistakenly frees a mystical, vengeful woman. She soon finds herself trapped in a new land with her little sister, a talking fox, and an annoying boy she can't ditch. They discover the evil woman is attacking them as part of her plan to make those who trapped her suffer. Sylvie must now confront the Raven Queen to find a way home or remain trapped in this new land forever. Inspired by dark fairy tales and trickster tales, REVENGE OF THE RAVEN QUEEN, a 40,000-word MG fantasy, is my first completed novel.
With my crazy comments:
Eleven-year-old Sylvie is angry at everyone. Okay, that's pretty clear. You've characterized her here and I want to see that carry through the rest of the query. Make the query sound angry. After her mother pulled her from school and relocated her and her sister to a stinky RV in a Louisiana campground, Sylvie gave up on making new friends.I'm wondering the why behind this. And maybe more anger. She never asked to be pulled from school and relocated to a stinky RV in a Louisiana campground just so her mom could study mosquito populations. She'd rather hang out with the campground critters than explain her unusual hobbies to kids who'd only be around to make fun of her for a few days anyway. 'Unusual hobbies' catches my attention, but I don't see any details. And as it doesn't come up again in the query, maybe you should cut it. Either expand or cut. She'd rather hang out with campground critters than explain why she's collecting used silly putty to kids who'll just be gone tomorrow.
Also it may be better to end with the critters as that leads us into the next paragraph with the fox. It's not like she can make friends when everyone leaves after a week anyway. She'd rather befriend the campground critters. (And if you're trying for upper MG maybe change critters to wildlife. Don't want to talk down to kids.)
When a mysterious fox leads her into the woods, Sylvie mistakenly frees a mystical, vengeful woman.(Frees her from what? Is she under a rock? In a stream? Some kind of magic container?) The adjectives make the villain kind of generic. When a mysterious fox leads her into the woods, Sylvie mistakenly plucks a mystical rose and frees a woman with revenge for 100 years of captivity on her mind. She soon finds herself trapped in a new land with her little sister, a talking fox, and an annoying boy she can't ditch. I assume the Raven Queen took her there. But isn't this exactly with Mom did to Sylvia? You've got a second relocation. Wouldn't that really peeve Sylvia off? The vengeful Raven Queen drags Sylvia, her little sister, and an annoying boy she can't ditch, along with the talking fox to a new land. But no one relocates Sylvia against her will a second time--especially if they aren't even family. They discover the evil woman is attacking them as part of her plan to make those who trapped her suffer.(But that wasn't Sylvie so why take it out on her? It might be better to avoid the questions this raises. This also seems like a weak plan for a powerful person. Would the Raven Queen want more than revenge? Some kind of power grab is the usual style.) Sylvie must now confront the Raven Queen to find a way home or remain trapped in this new land forever. Come back to your first sentence. Sylvie must redirect her anger to confront the Raven Queen and rescue the four of them or be trapped forever. Inspired by dark fairy tales and trickster tales, REVENGE OF THE RAVEN QUEEN, a 40,000-word MG fantasy, is my first completed novel. (Good word count. All the ingredients are here.)
In this query I see lots of opportunity to repeat the themes you've established in the first paragraph. The themes of anger and of Sylvia not being able to control her life. Best of luck!
Participants must comment on other Spring Query entries to pay it forward.
Now to the fine print:
All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees. Plus, you know, I'm leaving pink comments in celebration of spring so you have to be able to tolerate pink.
As sent to me:
Eleven-year-old Sylvie is angry at everyone. After her mother pulled her from school and relocated her and her sister to a stinky RV in a Louisiana campground, Sylvie gave up on making new friends. She'd rather hang out with the campground critters than explain her unusual hobbies to kids who'd only be around to make fun of her for a few days anyway.
When a mysterious fox leads her into the woods, Sylvie mistakenly frees a mystical, vengeful woman. She soon finds herself trapped in a new land with her little sister, a talking fox, and an annoying boy she can't ditch. They discover the evil woman is attacking them as part of her plan to make those who trapped her suffer. Sylvie must now confront the Raven Queen to find a way home or remain trapped in this new land forever. Inspired by dark fairy tales and trickster tales, REVENGE OF THE RAVEN QUEEN, a 40,000-word MG fantasy, is my first completed novel.
With my crazy comments:
Eleven-year-old Sylvie is angry at everyone. Okay, that's pretty clear. You've characterized her here and I want to see that carry through the rest of the query. Make the query sound angry. After her mother pulled her from school and relocated her and her sister to a stinky RV in a Louisiana campground, Sylvie gave up on making new friends.I'm wondering the why behind this. And maybe more anger. She never asked to be pulled from school and relocated to a stinky RV in a Louisiana campground just so her mom could study mosquito populations. She'd rather hang out with the campground critters than explain her unusual hobbies to kids who'd only be around to make fun of her for a few days anyway. 'Unusual hobbies' catches my attention, but I don't see any details. And as it doesn't come up again in the query, maybe you should cut it. Either expand or cut. She'd rather hang out with campground critters than explain why she's collecting used silly putty to kids who'll just be gone tomorrow.
Also it may be better to end with the critters as that leads us into the next paragraph with the fox. It's not like she can make friends when everyone leaves after a week anyway. She'd rather befriend the campground critters. (And if you're trying for upper MG maybe change critters to wildlife. Don't want to talk down to kids.)
When a mysterious fox leads her into the woods, Sylvie mistakenly frees a mystical, vengeful woman.(Frees her from what? Is she under a rock? In a stream? Some kind of magic container?) The adjectives make the villain kind of generic. When a mysterious fox leads her into the woods, Sylvie mistakenly plucks a mystical rose and frees a woman with revenge for 100 years of captivity on her mind. She soon finds herself trapped in a new land with her little sister, a talking fox, and an annoying boy she can't ditch. I assume the Raven Queen took her there. But isn't this exactly with Mom did to Sylvia? You've got a second relocation. Wouldn't that really peeve Sylvia off? The vengeful Raven Queen drags Sylvia, her little sister, and an annoying boy she can't ditch, along with the talking fox to a new land. But no one relocates Sylvia against her will a second time--especially if they aren't even family. They discover the evil woman is attacking them as part of her plan to make those who trapped her suffer.(But that wasn't Sylvie so why take it out on her? It might be better to avoid the questions this raises. This also seems like a weak plan for a powerful person. Would the Raven Queen want more than revenge? Some kind of power grab is the usual style.) Sylvie must now confront the Raven Queen to find a way home or remain trapped in this new land forever. Come back to your first sentence. Sylvie must redirect her anger to confront the Raven Queen and rescue the four of them or be trapped forever. Inspired by dark fairy tales and trickster tales, REVENGE OF THE RAVEN QUEEN, a 40,000-word MG fantasy, is my first completed novel. (Good word count. All the ingredients are here.)
In this query I see lots of opportunity to repeat the themes you've established in the first paragraph. The themes of anger and of Sylvia not being able to control her life. Best of luck!
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