I’m back, bitches!

Stuart Hazleton Me, pretending to be asleep!

I’m back, bitches!

So, after taking about 10 years off from writing to take care of my terminally ill mom, going a little bonkers, gaining a bunch of weight, and going to work in construction, I’m coming back from the proverbial dead (I know, WTF, right? Me? In construction?! And I wasn’t even high–just mother-fucking bat-shit crazy! Though, as Norman Bates says, we all go a little mad sometimes, right?)

Anyway, to paraphrase the poster from Halloween 4, after 10 years, I’m back–with a fucking vengeance. I’ve lost the weight, got my shit together, am in the final editing stages of an uber-raunchy novel that will curl your toes, and ready to start tackling issues like female empowerment, astrology, gay rights, animal rights and any other fucking thing that pops into my sex-crazed brain.

The first thing I plan on tackling is a crash course on astrology and kick-starting your sex drive. I’ll be doing this some time next week. This isn’t the stuff you read me write about in Cosmopolitan (though I adored that company and job more than I can ever say). This will be a bit more in depth and a LOT more raunchy, so you, the reader can figure out some of your own destiny without me spelling everything out for you–as well as what you can do to keep your mojo strong, jump start it, or even resurrect it. Count on my first detailed column coming out sometime next week. In the meantime, shoot for the stars–after all, if you fail, the worst that’ll happen is you’ll end up getting higher than you were before–and that’s never a bad thing, right?!

Meanwhile, I’m posting a pic of my mate and me. Next week, I’ll post our wedding pic as well as tips on getting your marital bed kick-started even when you’ve been together a long time. My mate and I have been together twenty years now and although you might have to snag a little gasoline to liven your libidos, there are ALWAYS ways to turn the sexual sparks in your relationship into a raging fire. I’ll let you in on all the juicy secrets.

I’m a gigantic fan of Dan Savage and if he and his partner occasionally get it on discretely with others to keep their dicks hard, that’s cool–but, as they say, different strokes for different folks–and that path’s just not for me. I plan on giving options for those of you who want to revive the raunch without doing the dirty on the sly. Am I saying you should never have a threesome? FUCK NO. If you’re thinking that, you don’t know me very well. What I will explain is how to keep your sexual energy flowing at full speed in different ways while remaining monogamous. Are my ideas tried and true? You bet–and I’m going to go into deliciously dirty detail very, very soon.

So, for all the fans who supported me during my dark days, for all the people who bought my book Sex-Scopes when I stayed in bed with the blinds drawn, and for everyone who put positive remarks about me on the net when I was finishing off my third pint of Haagen Dazs, it’s payback time–and if my writing doesn’t get something hard and wet, well, then I’m doing something very wrong–and trust me: This is going to be very, very RIGHT.

So get ready bitches: It’s gonna be a bumpy ride–but trust me when I make sure you’ll enjoy EVERY bump and grind. Until next week, keep the home fires burning, snag some lube and grab your partner: The games are about to begin again. And this time the sex won’t just be a job–it’ll be an adventure!