What You Need to do to Stop Criticizing Yourself

Let’s talk about your “Inner Critic” for a moment. You know, that “voice” inside your head that is judgmental and always ready to chime in, whether you’ve asked it to or not. You might be like most of my clients, who tell me they hate their “Inner Critic” and wish they could get rid of it.

But they can’t, so they try to shut it down, they try to ignore it and they try to overpower it. Guess who wins? With most of us, it’s our “Inner Critic,” hands down. But that’s not true for everyone. Especially those who have learned to quit fighting with their inner critic and to start coaching it instead.

If this idea appeals to you, here are three ways to coach your “Inner Critic” and make it your ally.

Recognize the positive intent of your ”Inner Critic.” It isn’t trying to hurt you in some way or to make you feel small or stupid. It’s trying to help you do better, to warn you of something, or perhaps it’s trying to “motivate” you. Realize that while what it’s doing isn’t helpful, its intent is golden. This might sound crazy, but coaching has to be done from a place of unconditional positive regard—and that’s what you have to give your “Inner Critic.”

Build a rapport with your “Inner Critic.” If you don’t learn how to connect with it, you’ll be fighting with it forever. Tell your “Inner Critic” you want to get along and that you are open to its ideas and viewpoints. Remember Covey’s principle of “Seek First to Understand”? You already know what happens when you try to argue with or dismiss your “Inner Critic” for being your enemy. Why not get in rapport with your “Inner Critic” so you can be in a position to coach it?

Have a conversation with your “Inner Critic.” Coaching takes place in conversations. The coach is there to support the client in reaching his or her goals. If you're going to coach it, you have to find out what it wants and what it’s trying to do. How can you do that? By asking good questions. I know, this is a little crazy, but humor me. Ask your "Inner Critic" sincere questions. Then listen without judgment. Ask some more questions. Then, when you have a strong enough rapport with your “Inner Critic,” you will be is a position to influence it. Here’s an example of having an effective conversation with your “Inner Critic”:

You: Hello there. I appreciate you taking the time to speak up and voice your opinion. You just said that I’m a failure and I should quit trying to get what I want. Can you tell me why you say that? I think you’re here to help me and I know you have a good reason for saying what you did.

Inner Critic: Really? If that’s true, why couldn’t you have said that ten years ago. All you’ve been doing is fighting me and trying to beat me down. 

You: Wait just a minute! Who do you think you are? Let me tell you something…okay, let me compose myself and try again. I’m sorry—and things will be different from now on. I’m going to listen to you and do my best to understand where you’re coming from. I know you’re really smart and I want to have you on my side. So, would you be willing to tell me why you think I’m a failure and that I should quit trying to get what I want?

Inner Critic: I told you that because I’ve been with you the hundreds of times you got excited about reaching a goal and you put your heart into it. What happens when you do that? You fail, that’s what. Then you’re left with all that disappointment. I don’t want to see you hurt again, that’s all. That’s why I said what I did.

You: I can understand that—and I appreciate you trying to look after me. But may I ask you a question?

Inner Critic: Of course. Just don’t ask a dumb one.

You: (After you take a breath and calm down) Would you be willing to work with me on finding a way to reach my goals—and to deal with the disappointments the times I fail? After all, you’re good at seeing potential mistakes I might make. I want you to warn me about them, but would you be willing to do that in a way that might be more constructive?

You get the idea. Befriend your inner critic and coach it. I’ve worked with hundreds of clients who have tried this and I use this approach myself. I can tell you it works—if you will give it a fair shot. It will be well worth your time and energy to learn how to coach your “Inner Critic.” In fact, one day soon, it will be thanking you.

Alan Allard, Executive Coach and Speaker
www.alanallard.com