Why You Need to Apologize First

Relationships can be challenging, whether it's with our family, friends or colleagues. They take time to build, but they can be damaged quickly with a few ill-chosen words, a careless look or a forgotten promise. The late Stephen R. Covey, Ph.D. used a metaphor he called the “Emotional Bank Account,” telling us that in our relationships, we are always either making deposits or withdrawals.

Here are three ways to make more “deposits” in your relationships’ bank accounts:

Make the little things the big things: When you go to an interview or when you’re meeting someone new for a business lunch, you’re likely to remember the “little things” like smiling and saying “thank you.” At the office or at home, these little things are even bigger because they are the deposits into our most important accounts. Pay attention to the little things with the people you are most around and you won’t run the risk of getting an “insufficient funds” notice.

Be the first to apologize: Even the best of relationships have their ups and downs. When the latter happens, take the high road to break through the tension and say something like, “I’m sorry, can we begin again?” The actual words aren’t the most important thing; your intent is. No, this isn’t the easiest thing to do, but it’s an almost guaranteed way to make a deposit of good will in that important relationship.

Accentuate the positive: We know that nobody is perfect, but it's easy to forget that at times—after all, we’re not perfect. Is that annoying co-worker really that bad—or have you fallen into the habit of tuning into the annoyances while tuning out the positives they offer? If so, make a game out of paying attention to their positive traits and putting their imperfections into perspective. If you want to up your game, tell them once a week something you respect or appreciate about them. The next time you take a look at your relationship bank account with them, you’ll see both the deposits and the interest you’ve earned along the way. 

Alan Allard, Executive Coach and Speaker
www.alanallard.com