The “What Random Object Are You?” Quiz!

There are so many quizzes going around right now that supposedly figure out which of your favorite show characters/cities/decades/whatever you are. Obviously these are highly meaningful and don’t just assign you based on some minor surface personality traits. Also, it’s obvious that these characters/cities/decades/whatever are archetypes or elemental forms such that this is important. As such, here is the “What random object are you?” quiz!

Ready?

1. Yes or no?

2. How many jobs have you been fired from since 1972?

3. If the nature of humanity is finite and the nature of the universe is finite, would anybody like any toast?

4. If Johnny has five apples and Davey has four apples, why don’t they just shut up and eat? (Courage the Cowardly Dog)

5. Yes or no: Have you stopped beating your children?

Okay, now the scoring. First, give yourself a point for every question you answered. Then, give yourself a point for every question you answered “A” despite the fact that none of these questions were multiple choice. Then give yourself as many points as you want because the results aren’t based on points anyway. Finally, pick a number between 1 and 5 and see what random object below corresponds to that number.

1. Tongs: you can pick up stuff.

2. A rock: a big *ss rock, though maybe more like a cinder block.

3. A blender: there is deep cosmic significance in this, but nobody knows what it is.

4. A spoon once used by Sylvester Stalone to crack open a minute egg for breakfast one morning in Atlantic City: despite the specificity of this, you’re still just a spoon. One spoon is pretty much like any other.

5. A cigar: sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Hope that this is one of those times.

You now have your result. Be sure to define your life by this and share your result with everyone as if this quiz, or any of the others, have any legitimacy or significance in your life.