Starbuck’s New Menu: What’s Good and What Sucks From Someone Who Knows Far Too Much About This
You may have noticed that Starbucks got a new menu, something with a pink faux-logo called Patisserie or Boulangerie or some shizz like that. If you read my posts, you may also have noticed that I spend an inordinate amount of time at Starbucks. So, I thought some of you may benefit from my obsessing over every detail of this new menu.
With that in mind, here goes…
Still around: Breakfast Sandwiches
Thank. God.
These are a good anytime meal and at a reasonable # of calories each, they taste a lot better than they deserve to. So, that’s awesome.
New and Mind-Blowing: Chocolate Chip Croissants
These are super-yummy, not too caloric, and taste especially awesome warmed up. Woo hoo! Color me happy. Pro tip: These fly of the shelves fast, so grab them if they’re there. The regular croissants are okay too, if you want to be a treat-pussy.
Total Bummer: The Muffins
In the new menu, there is this huge attempt to hide the fact that muffins are, in fact, the worst thing you can eat (far worse than donuts) by camouflaging said muffins as a ‘loaf’ or some kind of a ‘muffin-let.’ And even at these mini sizes, they’re still like 10,000 calories each. WTF? What goes into muffins anyway? I mean, donuts are deep fried—and then dipped in frosting—and they aren’t as bad. Which just makes you think: when I was eating a muffin as big as my head, what was that? Like two big macs worth of calories? :::shiver:::
Answer: best not to contemplate that shit.
But still, if I want a muffin, I want a goddamn muffin, not a muffin-let or a mini-loaf that doesn’t really scratch my itch to nosh. So net-net, this is a total bummer, but I more blame the new laws stating that stores have to show caloric content than the Starbucks kitchen itself. Some things were just sweeter when you didn’t know.
The New Little Pastry Square Things
These are OK, I guess. But they aren’t really a meal and they aren’t really a treat and they look weird. Like someone’s girlfriend at corporate used to date some guy who thought this was cool once when he saw it at a fake patisserie in LA. So there. For some reason, I feel very strongly that they do not belong in New England (aka Ink Monster HQ.)
Mother-Fucking Terrible: The Cookies
Okay, so the new menu-shtick here is that everything you can now buy from the pastry case can be heated up. Woo hoo. Unfortunately, the heating process does ZERO to cover up the nasty, cheap, high school cafeteria-style cookies that are now served in Starbucks. Here’s why:
The cookies come in individual plastic baggies, just like Grandma used to make. Oh wait, Grandma never did that shit because she wasn’t a FUCKING FACTORY. WTH?
They are of uniform shape, aka perfectly round with a neat, arched top. To this, I say no no no no no! A good cookie should look hand-made with rough edges and big chocolate chips, especially if I’m about to pay $9 for it. Put a little effort into this, people!
When it comes to taste, the Hostess Elves have it all over the new Starbuck’s cookies. For reals. What is the world coming to? If I wanted a puck-shaped mouthful of sawdust, I’d eat a puck-shaped mouthful of sawdust. Nuff said.
Long story short, don’t eat the cookies.
Closing Thoughts
In case you’re wondering, many of your favorites are still there: the cake pops are good, donuts are classics, as are the cheecake brownies, if you like those kind of things. But I’m still nursing as grudge over the muffins and cookies (in case you haven’t noticed). And I won’t even go into the weird pastry square thingies again.
Now, you may think ‘this is a first-world problem and she/I should stop whining about this stuff.’ And I’ll agree with you. Totally. And then, I’ll grab that decent-looking muffin out of your hands and run for it. Go me.
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