Little Shop of Horoscopes

Juliet Capulet was not a fan of horoscopes: “O, swear not by the moon, the inconstant moon, that monthly changes in her circled orb, lest that thy love prove likewise variable,” she asked of her dear Romeo. But maybe if Romeo had been allowed to swear his love to the moon, the two of them could have checked their Astrology Zone and seen that Susan Miller specifically said to not make giant declarations of love atop balconies that month. Because spoiler alert — they both die.

So let’s avoid death this month and get on with our horoscopes, shall we?

Happy birthday Capricorn. Sometimes I’m jealous about the name of your sign because it’s similar to the word “unicorn.” I’m also jealous of your horoscope this month because your planets are killing it. You have Venus, Mercury, Pluto, the Sun, and a new moon at 11 degrees, meaning you’ve got the power right now to maneuver things in your favor. In other words, this song is your anthem this month.

Will it get old if I make the “Age of Aquarius” joke every time I see you, Aqua-ladies? Probably not, so let’s talk stars. Suz wants you to center yourself and get your meditation on. It’s going to be a very creative month for you — something about planets in the twelfth house representing birth placenta (?!?). However, your judgement in love will be off, so avoid reckless swiping on Tinder.

Pisces, I hope you like saying “hi” because you’re going to make some new friends this month. The Suzinator also wants you to join a club and get on social media. Maybe you’re about to become famous on Vine. You’re also set to get “swept away in love” on January 15th and any financial troubles will be smoothed over. Mo’ money, less problems, that’s what I always say.

Mama Miller talked a lot about your career this month, Aries. It’s a great time for a major change, but apparently the moon is going to be a big cranky baby so you’ll have to be very organized and carry around a proverbial diaper bag in order to make The Big Career Shift happen. She seems to want you to wait until the end of the month for any dating, pampering or general fun-having which is annoying, but just remember that Romeo and Juliet were a cautionary tale!

Who’s with me in Club Taurus? A new moon of January 1 will allegedly light our house of travel. Unless someone’s surprising me with a romantic trip to Bermuda, this is clearly false. Apprently Uranus is going to be a literal ass and send in challenges at work, and if you’re a man reading this, do not grow a beard. She did not specify if it was an okay time for women to grow beards but I probably won’t just to be safe.

Susan Miller is essentially my grandmother this month regarding all Geminis. She is concerned about your state of affairs regarding money (“watch for identity theft!”), she’s worried about your health and slippery sidewalks (“protect your bones!”), and visiting the dentist. She didn’t mention anything about freezing to death in this cold but I’m sure she meant to. Unlike my grandmother, however, Suz says that when it comes to your love life, “you have time.”

Good Lorde Cancer, your horoscope was so long it’s a wonder I didn’t actually grow that beard Susan just advised me against. Good news first: money will come in at the end of the month. Yay!$!$! It sounds like a bit of a tumultuous start to the month, with crazy work life possibly interfering with close relationships and potential plumbing issues or something, but Susan feels confident you can get through them. So do I. Get in there like a wrecking ball, girl.

“Shake the confetti out of your hair, dear Leo,” wrote Suz. “You’ve got to buckle down to work the minute you hit the office.” Don’t mind her…I think she’s just annoyed you went out on New Years Eve without her. You have a new moon in your fitness sector so if you did make resolutions regarding lunges and what not, now’s the time. Important to note is that January 29 is going to be a very lucky day for you, so buy me us a lottery ticket and let’s dance!

Speaking of dance, this month is Disco In-Virgo if you know what I mean. If you don’t, Pluto will be friendly with the sun and new moon, making you confident, which, writes Susan, “as everyone knows, is the greatest aphrodisiac.” (Second best are oysters.) She encourages you go looking for love. Or, per the old rumored-about Jersey Shore spinoff, go Snookin for love.

Libras, you’re having a Martha Stewart moment this month — painting rooms, “perking up your basement,” tying bathroom linens with superfluous pieces of twine, etc. January 29 is your sparkling day for love, so go in search of a new ottoman at Ikea — maybe you’ll meet a fellow Libra by the couch section then share a plate of their Swedish meatballs.

If Libras are having an MS month, Scorpios are channeling their inner Bon Iver. Susan wants you to take hikes in the mountains, go antiquing, visit flea markets, make friends with artists and writers and she keeps referring to your cup of tea. She was one step away from encouraging you to join a vegetable co-op. Your career looks good but extremely busy, which may be tricky to balance with all of these crunchy new activities you’re about to try.

Hey Sagittaritootles. This month your horoscope is pretty money heavy, but it seems like where minor issues arise, you’ll be able to work through them calmly. Here’s the good news: come January 29 (this seems to be a fancy day for everyone), the Sun and Uranus will be sweetly angled to each other. To me, this sounds like a Sun’s Out Buns Out occasion, so maybe you’ll be on a last minute trip (with me!) to Bermuda to get a little bronze on before fashion week come Feb. Or you’ll get a spray tan, tomato tomahto.

Finally, a general note to everyone on behalf of Susan Miller which she insists on stressing and repeating: since Venus the beauty planet is stillll in retrograde, now’s not a good time for the plastic surgery. Got it?

Other than that, welcome to the New Year, hot chips.

Image via Vogue UK