The Empress Has Spoken

There’s a meme going around the Internet that reads, “Beyoncé has the same amount of hours in a day as you do.” If we didn’t find it palpable previous to this morning’s surprise full album drop, it sure is hard to digest now. In a mere matter of hours, this crazy global communication system we call the Internet has become the Beyonternet.

So let’s take a moment to review some of the things I’ve done during some of my hours, shall we? On Sunday I ate oatmeal but didn’t finish it and then kind of forgot about it, so it dried up and then I had to run hot water over it again and then scrape the cement into my sink, which then clogged, and so I called a plumber. Wednesday I found a nickel! And this morning I brushed my teeth.

Beyoncé, on the other hand, went rogue and released an album like, “SURPRISE!” How the ass did she do it? How did the most watched gift ever given to our solar system create a body of 14 songs and 17 music videos all while touring, breast feeding, Instagramming and generally living whereas the greatest thing I’ve accomplished this year let alone today is finally, finally, getting that weird freckle looked at (which, I’ll have you know, turned out to be a sprinkle).

It is possible that Beyoncé exists on a plane separate from one of human comprehension. Where we are able to process the first through second dimensions and exist in the third, Beyoncé sits above the fourth. On this plane of which she presides, time as we know it is incorporeal. She’s able to pass in and out of our universe for blocks of time that we might consider centuries, but her ability to manipulate our cognitive hours allows her to permeate our mind space without us realizing she’s been gone.

That or she has an identical twin.

Without further ado, we at Team MR give you a series of one sentence reviews of the eponymous album.

Pretty Hurts Sometimes it feels like she’s looking directly through our souls and in a quiet, motherly, soothing inflection, saying “I know.”

Haunted Had this been anyone else’s music video: gratuitous eroticism. Since it’s Beyoncé’s: pure glamour. Also, damn.

Drunk In Love (feat. Jay Z) Nominating this to be the first one club-remixed and my right arm cannot wait.

Blow Sorry I actually didn’t listen to this song yet because my ears don’t work when Beyoncé LOOKS LIKE THIS.

No Angel “No I’m not an angel either but at least I’m trying,” she sings. LOL I love when she pretends to be “one of us.”

Partition Eradicate the madonna/whore complex with one play of this track and just feel S E X Y.

Ghost A haunting song, a mesmerizing video.

Jealous Lyrics sure to be in about 8 million people’s Instagram profiles.

Rocket I think this song may be about sex.

Yoncé Joan Smalls, Chanel Iman & Jourdan Dunn…PLUS BEYONCÉ. My computer just exploded.

Mine (feat. Drake) Make a baby, thank me later.

XO Ummm, Jay? Beyoncé is on the phone, she wants to talk to you.

Grown Woman If this had been the Pepsi commercial, I would have become a cola convert.

***Flawless (feat. Chimamanda Ngozi Adiche) Bump-it-in-your-car-with-the-window-down female ANTHEM.

Superpower (feat. Frank Ocean) Play this while you have a long avenue stretching in front of you and a little bit of time to walk slower than normal and just fucking strut, man. STRUT.

Heaven I need to lie down with this song and take a minute. And then cry.

Blue (feat. Blue Ivy) This song is perfect so allow us to babble beyond one second as we wrap up the album that will essentially become the soundtrack to our lives: Leandra and I once hypothesized that when we die, a little piece of us becomes Beyoncé. Beyoncé is therefore the heavens and the stars; we, the matter; and all of us — each and everyone of of us — a culmination of something more beautiful and great than the dimensions on this planet allow.

I think that’s why everyone loves her so much. Beyoncé is us.

Or are we… Blue Ivy?

Ok, your turn. Review the songs, the videos, and tell us which one(s) will be on repeat for the rest of your life.