My Friend, The Electrical Lint Squid

by Mark McLaughlin

(Previously appeared in my fiction collection, RAISING DEMONS FOR FUN & PROFIT)

There's a creature made of lint living in my house. I think electricity brought him to life. I have really thick carpets and the littlest bit of walking stirs up all kinds of static (I live near a power plant – that might have something to do with it). The creature looks sort of like a squid. He stands about thirteen inches high and has five tentacles, two beaks, and one glowing eye that doesn't blink. He can really wiggle around pretty fast on those tentacles. It's fun to watch.

I'm working in a record store – for now. Mr. Parnell, the manager, gave me two weeks notice yesterday. I guess a lot of the customers were complaining about me. Just because I cranked up the store's sound system a few times. And I yelled at some people after I rang up their sales wrong and they started whining all over the place.

I told the electrical lint squid the whole sad story and this is what he said in his crispy little voice:

"Here's the plan, Buddy. I think you should stick me in your knapsack, take me to the record store and hide me in the back room. Then, after everybody's gone home, I'll come out and use my special lint squid powers to put static on all the tapes and records and CDs."

"Big deal," I said. "They'll just send all that stuff back to the factory."

The electrical lint squid chuckled through one of his beaks. "That's where you're wrong, Buddy." He wiggled into my lap and put a tentacle on my shoulder. "You see, it'll be this special static. It's like a dog whistle – really high frequency. The customers won't be able to hear it, but it'll screw up their brain waves. It'll make them all scatterbrained and hyper and well, just plain crazy. They'll start seeing things, too, like imaginary friends and stuff. So they'll go crazy and have imaginary friends and get all goofy and weird and you know what? They'll all probably lose their jobs. You bet. That'll teach'em, Buddy."

I thought for a moment.

"Now wait a minute," I said. "Maybe I'm crazy. Mr. Parnell told me I was. So did some of the customers. Maybe I'm seeing things, too. Things like, oh, I don't know... you, perhaps? Maybe you're only an imaginary friend – or maybe you're using me to make others just like you. Fill me in, Mr. Electrical Lint Squid. I mean, really: what's the deal here?"

"That's a good question, Buddy," my little friend said. "A really, really good question. Let me give it some thought and I'll get back to you, okay? Great!" A beautiful electric-blue glow sprang up in his eye. "Now help me find that knapsack."

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For more tales of the weird and wild, check out Best Little Witch-House in Arkham.