Why should "I" matter?

With the thousands upon thousands of authors out there, I often find myself questioning: Why should I matter? What makes ME so much more special than the rest of the Indie and agent-ed authors out there? The answer: I’m not.

That sad fact shook me more than once, and I ended up with a bad case of Writer’s Depression. I hated everything I wrote. I was depressed that my book hadn’t sold any copies. I checked and re-checked my blog and author page stats and Amazon ranking…. I wallowed in my self-pity for a long time. I thought, "I’m going to be a nobody forever."  and, "No one will ever read my words.", and then "I’ll never be good enough."

But, then, I stopped thinking about it. I had the time off that I more than needed and my writing woes dissipated into the back of my mind. Then, I got to thinking. Maybe I won’t ever be heard, and maybe I don’t matter. But, perhaps, I have something special of my own to offer.

Unlike most other YA authors, I’m young and still act it. I have a better connection with teens, because it wasn’t too long ago that I WAS a teen. And I’m still dealing with things that teens go through. For instance, I was a teen mom. I got a lot of heat for it from school staff and other students. It was a tough time that I still deal with to this day. I am not the same age as other parents, and people still make comments or give dirty looks.

Other than being as close to a teen as you can get, while still having an adult career in publishing books, I have a history. Everyone does. Most of my toughest times were between 12-16. I understand sex, drugs, sneaking alcohol from parents, living in a roach infested house on welfare, divorce, verbal and physical abuse, molestation, moving EVERYWHERE, lies, secrets, cutting, stealing, cheating…. you name it, I probably did it.

Obviously, my younger self makes for a HORRIBLE role-model and most of the time, I’m embarrassed to even mention the things I’ve done in the past. But those rocky times, are the reasons I write. And I’m not ashamed anymore to admit that I have been there and done that. Because someone out there is doing the same thing I did — meaning, I’m not the only one. And maybe, they are just as lost as I was. 

So maybe I’m not as culturally diverse as Cassandra Clare, as established as Holly Black, or as cool as Lauren DeStefano…. but maybe, just maybe, someone, somewhere out there, will see the value in me and my words….. maybe someday.