A Teaser From My Upcoming Release
I'm really excited and nervous to share this with you. I have been working on this novel for 18 months and have shared very few details about it. I am almost finished with the final draft, and then it will be edited and proof read etc.
But I wanted to share a little something with you and here it is.
It is with trembling hands and butterflies in my stomach that I give you this very short insight into my newest project. It is not an easy story to write, and I really hope you like it.
*** Pain: Physical or mental suffering or distress. The worst kind of pain is when you're smiling just to keep the tears from falling. And with pain comes guilt: self-reproach for supposed inadequacy or wrong doing. I am inadequate, I did do wrong. I don't want a pity party or sympathy that only makes me die a little more inside. I just want it to go away; all of it. Every question, every enquiry. I want everything I feel gone. But when pain and guilt collide they create a torrent of emotion, dragging everything into the storm. Pain. Guilt. You can't have one without the other. They come hand in hand; the first telling you it hurts and the other telling you it hurts because you just weren't good enough. The condemning duo eats me alive, each intensifying with the other. The more it hurts, the more I blame myself. And the more I blame myself, the deeper the shard of ice penetrates my heart. I cry when I'm alone, curled on the floor next to my bed, begging the ghosts to leave me alone. And when I'm in company I shut down, becoming a shell of the person I once was. I used to love. I used to laugh. I used to have hopes and dreams and make plans for the future. Before I ruined it all and became a spoilt brat… and then the broken, shattered woman I am now. It used to be my secret, something people knew nothing about. I used to be able to hide it, and keep everyone on the outside in the dark. But now it's out. Everyone knows what I did, what I caused. The control has been taken away from me like before. I've been stripped bare in front of everyone I…loved. I know it's humiliating, shocking, traumatic. For them. Me? I’ve got my reason to get out of bed in the morning. But the pain and the guilt control me now. They have become the masters of my mind and the only way I keep them contained is to bow down to them and allow them to fester within. They have become part of me. Not only do they have power over me, but I have become them. I rely on the excruciating pain and the remorse to get me through the day. I need them now that I have lost everything else. They tell me what I need to know; everything else is irrelevant. The pain, guilt and constant reminders of the last fifteen months of my life tell me I'm alive. I survived. Because when you've been through the darkness, and were pulled from the abyss, that's all that matters. Surviving... ***
But I wanted to share a little something with you and here it is.
It is with trembling hands and butterflies in my stomach that I give you this very short insight into my newest project. It is not an easy story to write, and I really hope you like it.
*** Pain: Physical or mental suffering or distress. The worst kind of pain is when you're smiling just to keep the tears from falling. And with pain comes guilt: self-reproach for supposed inadequacy or wrong doing. I am inadequate, I did do wrong. I don't want a pity party or sympathy that only makes me die a little more inside. I just want it to go away; all of it. Every question, every enquiry. I want everything I feel gone. But when pain and guilt collide they create a torrent of emotion, dragging everything into the storm. Pain. Guilt. You can't have one without the other. They come hand in hand; the first telling you it hurts and the other telling you it hurts because you just weren't good enough. The condemning duo eats me alive, each intensifying with the other. The more it hurts, the more I blame myself. And the more I blame myself, the deeper the shard of ice penetrates my heart. I cry when I'm alone, curled on the floor next to my bed, begging the ghosts to leave me alone. And when I'm in company I shut down, becoming a shell of the person I once was. I used to love. I used to laugh. I used to have hopes and dreams and make plans for the future. Before I ruined it all and became a spoilt brat… and then the broken, shattered woman I am now. It used to be my secret, something people knew nothing about. I used to be able to hide it, and keep everyone on the outside in the dark. But now it's out. Everyone knows what I did, what I caused. The control has been taken away from me like before. I've been stripped bare in front of everyone I…loved. I know it's humiliating, shocking, traumatic. For them. Me? I’ve got my reason to get out of bed in the morning. But the pain and the guilt control me now. They have become the masters of my mind and the only way I keep them contained is to bow down to them and allow them to fester within. They have become part of me. Not only do they have power over me, but I have become them. I rely on the excruciating pain and the remorse to get me through the day. I need them now that I have lost everything else. They tell me what I need to know; everything else is irrelevant. The pain, guilt and constant reminders of the last fifteen months of my life tell me I'm alive. I survived. Because when you've been through the darkness, and were pulled from the abyss, that's all that matters. Surviving... ***
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