10 Things You Don’t Know About Me (Because They Aren’t True)

I’ve been seeing a lot of # “Things You don’t Know About Me” posts going around Facebook. Quite a lot. One thing you haven’t seen is me join in. If I get the idea right, if you click “like” on somebody’s post, they’ll give you a number to do.

I ain’t doing that.

I don’t tend to go in for any of the chain Facebook post games, but I’m definitely not going in for this one. If you give me a number, I’ll probably ignore it.

However, in the spirit of conciliation, I thought I’d give everyone a list of ten things about me that no one knows because they aren’t remotely true. That should keep everybody happy, right?

Anyway, here we go:

1. I once told John DeLorean, “I don’t know, man, you should probably find a legal way to keep this thing going. It sounds like a trap.”

2. I have a wide variety of super powers, but I keep them hidden because I can’t think of a good superhero name that hasn’t already been taken.

3. I’m actually Andy Kaufman, hiding out as part of an elaborate joke where I faked my death in 1984.

4. I served as president of Paraguay between 1982 and 1987 and then again between 2001 and 2012. The people of Paraguay are unaware of this also.

5. I can fluently speak a secret language known only to squirrels (though it should be understood that the squirrels don’t actually speak the language).

6. I actually designed the Eiffel Tower and let Gustave Eiffel take the credit for tax reasons.

7. I can eat 147 soft-boiled eels at a single sitting.

8. The Pope listens to rap music I make in my  sub basement especially for him.

9. I can’t count to ten.

There we go. Game played. I’ve now put forth all the effort on this that I intend to.