How You Can Help Create Connection
Having a sense that we matter here, that we belong, that we are a valued part of something bigger, a family, a group of friends, or people unified by a shared mission, a community is one of our basic needs. We strive for it. Our desire to belong to something motivates us, builds resilience and boosts our physical and mental health.
Without this sense of belonging we are less likely to persist, we have more stress and have less meaning in life. We just don’t do as well, says Stanford social psychologist Gregory Walton. And the times we have felt excluded or separate weigh heavy in our minds even as we move on to pursue other goals.
In Monday’s post I wrote about the research behind that need to belong and how to create that sense in your own life. But, it’s also important to help each other out here. In fact, one way to create a sense of connection in your own life is by reaching out to others.
My seven year-old Sweet P and I talk about this a lot. Of course she wants to fit in at school. But she is also clearly, adamantly herself. How do you belong and maintain your unique individualism?
The trick is to find the group that allows you to be who you are, as you are, one that share your interests and values. I don’t think belonging is about changing who you are to fit in. It’s finding the people who you fit in with and hanging with those guys. But it’s also about leaving room for others to do the same. About creating a place where everyone is valued for their unique individualism while still belonging to the whole. We can create that for each other and in turn, we all become better.
How to Help Other Feel Like They Belong
1. Encourage involvement. Everybody has a unique ability or talent or expertise, invite them to share it. When people join a group or a neighborhood or a family let them help. Let them bring something to Thanksgiving dinner. When you are sick as them to mow the lawn, or pick up the kid or bring a meal. Find ways for them to become a part, to get involved. Allow them to help and you will not only develop a connection that will aid your own growth, but you will be reinforcing that they are a valued contributor and an important member of the group. Nothing says belonging like that.
2. Listen and validate. You don’t have to agree with everything your husband says, or the ideas of the committee member on the PTC or the head of the church group, but you can allow them to be heard, by listening to their ideas and validating their experience. Validation is not an endorsement of their behavior, but it is recognition of the experience they are having. Everyone should be allowed their experience, and validation is a way to indicate “hey, I hear you; I understand where you are coming from.”
3. Allow for mistakes. Well, this is a no-brainer. We’re all going to blow it. In fact our imperfections are the one thing that tie us all together. Show your kids, friends and group members that nobody is cast out for an inadvertent mistake or screw up. Sure they need to own them, be accountable and fix them – but nobody needs to be ridiculed or disowned because they didn’t do it right. If you create an environment where mistakes are forgiven, you create a sense of belonging for every member. More than that, you foster creativity, innovation and growth.
4. Respect, accept, include. Don’t disparage or demean, interrupt or act with contempt. Don’t joke at another’s expense. Instead, solicit the opinions of the others you care about, accept the differences, and involve them in decisions and projects. Let them influence you and appreciate the differences, as well as, the things you share.
5. Reach out. There are so many people who are left out – excluded by illness, or finances or other life circumstances that make it hard for them to get involved. You can reach out to them. Write letters of support to a homebound friend, drop by food, offer to drive a senior to the doctor or grocery store, take by a holiday wreath as a gift to someone who needs a gift. Find little ways of giving to others and you’ll help foster that feeling that people are valuable, worthwhile and has something valuable to contribute – even if it’s a hug or thank you. We all have our struggles, by acting with empathy we can make sure that no one feels like they don’t belong.
When we actively work to connect and engage with others, we help them develop a sense of belonging in their lives and that goes along ways toward helping us to feel that connection in our own lives. That is the seed of meaning, peace, and resilience. And you know what, it just makes life more fun.
