Where Do You Belong?
At the top of the page, that one she printed out from the pc, it says in 18 point, pink letters: Form For Art Club. Meets Saturday and Sunday.
On the lines below are four, cramped little signatures from the club’s newest members — the girls who live in the neighborhood. One name is written with a backwards e, another nearly illegible from the 7-year-old scribe, then the precise penmanship of the older girl who lives down the block. All the names are there.
My seven-year-old started this club last weekend. Everyone wanted to join. And, at the end of the day when I tucked her in with her stuffed baby kitty and rainbow cheetah, she was reveling in her success.
“I was just so happy the club succeeded,” she said, though she pronounced it “seceded,” as in leaving the union . “I didn’t know. I thought maybe no one would want to join, but they all wanted to belong.”
Belonging is a Basic Need
Of course they did. We all do. Whether we are six or 60 we all just want to be a part of something. To be included. To be valued and loved. That need to belong is third on Maslow’s famed list of needs and recent research shows that when we feel like we belong our lives have greater meaning and less stress. We are more motivated and resilient and more likely to persist despite adversity. When we feel as though we belong we are healthier, happier, more powerful.
New research led by Nathaniel Lambert at Brigham Young University shows that when people feel like they fit in with others in a group, their lives have greater meaning – which is a good thing since meaning promotes emotional and physical well-being.
People who feel excluded, report finding less meaning in life. That can lead to depression.
Stanford University social psychologist Gregory Walton has studied this need to belong and developed a strategy that creates a sense of belonging to help people through difficult times. He calls it “belonging intervention.”
Instead of looking at negative events in life as something that happens to you and you alone, Walton encourages people to recognize that they are not alone. That they are part of this collective where others too are facing challenges. The coping strategy promotes a sense of connection by recognizing that really, when it comes to this life experience or parenting or divorce, or illness or whatever, we are all in this together. Bad things don’t happen to us because we are uncool or separate or bad or wrong. They don’t happen because we don’t belong to the “in crowd.” They happen because life is expansive and dynamic and changing and so you are you. You are a human being who belongs to the human race where we all experience challenges. You are a part, we are all connected.
This concept in spiritual terms is called non-duality, or oneness and it refers to this concept that we are all connected to each other and the divine or universal energy that is a part of everything. Nothing is separate. I like that. We all belong.
Finding Your Place
But belonging on Terra Firma is something that must be cultivated and nurtured. Most of us are part of some network or group or neighborhood or club. Take a minute to consider where you feel as though you belong. Are you part of a close family unit? Do you hang with colleagues at work? Are you part of a team or a troop, volunteer group, senior center, or neighborhood association? Do you meet the girls at the gym every morning? Are you involved with the PTC?
Then, if you feel as though you don’t have the kind of connection you’d like, a place where you really fit, start creating that in your life.
Join a club or volunteer group with a mission you believe in. Volunteer at the school or organization that is contributing to the community in a meaningful way. Take a class or participate in a group that is focused on art or books or bowling or another activity you enjoy and engage with others who share your interests. Help out at a youth group.
Seek out the groups and people that share you beliefs and attitudes. Share yourself, put yourself out there a bit and listen and connect with others. Too often, we stand along the sidelines waiting to be asked, hoping others will reach out to us, but our feeling that we are a part of something bigger, a group or an idea or a mission that is important is dependent on our participation. Our willingness to get involved.
And when you are feeling lonely or isolated, remember that everybody has challenges and struggles it’s not just you. You are part of all of this humanity; everybody belongs. We are all connected.
