My Open Letters – The Fourth

Dear ——-,

The chalk monster came to my memories again today. That day was really the first time we actually interacted. And I guess it makes sense that I was a horrible person right from the beginning. I kept laughing at you because you had all these chalk marks on your butt. But really I was just super nervous. My mind tends to craft and imagine really ridiculous and funny things when I’m nervous and I kept thinking of this TV show called Chalk Zone, which led to the Chalk monster, and then I couldn’t stop laughing. It really was pretty terrible, and I’m pretty sure I made you all self-conscious that day.

But looking over our first interaction kind of made me look at the first times I’ve ever really interacted with people in my life that I eventually came to know better. Most of them are a bit blurred in my memory. The one person I can really even call my best friend doesn’t even have such a vivid first meeting as the one I had with you. Although when I say first meeting, we had seen each other plenty before, but I think the day of the chalk monster was really the first time we actually noticed each other, which is what I consider the first meetings.

The more I look at our moments, the more I don’t even understand how you put up with me in the first place. I demanded a lot of you, and I can see why you thought our relationship had become pretty unbalanced. Really it was unbalanced from the beginning. You kept doing everything for me, and maybe once in a while I was doing things for you. It’s strange the way that works, since I was the one that invested more emotionally.

At some point, I think you honestly just kept me around for the sex, and cuddling. I wonder if I ever really even broke through emotionally to you. There are a few instances I feel like I might have, but that could have just been all the pleasant feelings from initial crushes. But this does remind me of something else. You asked me at one point why I had been crying before you even broke things with me. And I can’t really remember my answer, but I know it was something stupid, like I just knew it was coming or something. But that was because at the time, I really didn’t know why. I just knew something was wrong.

I know why now though. Everything seemed to change when we took our trip. And by our trip I mean you pretty much paid for the travel expenses, found a place for us to crash, and I just spent money and bugged you the entire time. (That wasn’t all it was, I liked the hike and I think we had fun with that?). But during the trip, we stopped in a shop, and I picked out a rainbow ring that I still wear even today, but while I was deciding I was definitely trying to convince you to get a ring with me, and I think at one point I even pushed these really dorky heart rings that said something ridiculous like ‘True Love’ and something else after that.

The pushiness I showed though, and how you just didn’t seem like you wanted to do any rings didn’t really hit me consciously at the time, but I definitely felt it when we got back. It’s why I just had this dreading feeling that things had somehow become different after that trip. I never minded when you didn’t want to do cheesy stuff before, but you liked the romantic things, like picnics, and matching rings are definitely a romantic thing, but I don’t think I realized exactly the kind of weight a ring brought emotionally too. Getting matching rings too early can really be equivalent to saying I love you too early. And I think maybe it might have finally been the last straw to scare you off. Among a collection of other things I had done, and needs I wasn’t meeting for you with a relationship.

I don’t know. It’s only a thought, that makes a lot of sense now as to why I had been crying, and dreading talking to you after that trip. I know I kept wanting to give you your space, even though a few times I gave in. Like I really should have not gone home with you when you got drunk at the Irish bar. And I think you resented that in the morning, having to deal with me.

Don’t you just love how you can pick out all the horrible mistakes you made, after you made them? I know I wasn’t just a pile of mistakes all the time, I’m sure I had my moments that you liked about me, or that I did something fun once in a while. I just weigh the problems and negative points in me and our moments more than anything else, because I may have had some good qualities, but wadding through so many bad things for a few gems in the dark just doesn’t seem… worth it in the end.

But considering you say you’re a terrible person too, maybe you thought the same thing. People usually say you are blind to your own faults, but I think most people are blind to other people’s faults more than their own. Or that you may be blind to the most terrible parts of you, but recognize others.

Who knows?

I just know, for a while I think you put more stress on the positive parts of me, but eventually we all stress the negative. And maybe that’s the people who stay together, they stress the negative eventually, but the positive still outweighs or at least matches the negative?

It’s just a theory.

Signed,

The Imp

P. S. Terra says Hi