My Open Letters – The Fifth

Dear ——-,

Why is it that we don’t talk? It’s not like it’s all just me or all just you that is causing this. We do still talk about the turtle in common, but maybe once a month, and maybe for a few sentences. Otherwise, nothing.

Are we afraid? There’s a lot of things to be afraid of. Maybe you fear that I’d think you want to get back together. Maybe I’m afraid that I really have nothing meaningful to offer you in conversation. I’m not sure. It could be a combination of things, but I definitely think fear is involved at least.

And it’s not like the kind of fears of things like spiders. Concrete fears of physical and existing things is actually way easier to handle than the more abstract ones. That’s why courage is such a powerful trait to have. To overcome those every day fears and anxieties that most people don’t really think of as fear. We might call it avoidance, or hate, or any number of things and sometimes we might even say we are afraid but we don’t really register that it means we need to overcome that fear.

I guess mostly I’m rambling though. I’m not really sure why we aren’t talking. I think the last straw though was when you were talking about your new partner. I didn’t actually mind you talking about him, it was part of your new life. And that was actually the problem I had. You were moving forward with your life, completely leaving me behind, forging new memories, and I was continually dragging you back into the past, just by you looking at me, dealing with me. I hated that you could just move on so quickly, and eventually even just forget me.

That’s why I’m not sure if I should even apply for this new job. It’s weird. It’s the job I wanted, in the right place, and I’m a good fit for it. But it also means it’s a job that requires interaction between us. That means it’s a job that moves me forward with my life, and at the same time pushing me right back into your face. A professional setting, but I’ve already seen how you handle dealing with me professionally and I don’t think I can put up with that.

Worse yet, I fear you would go the route of just completely ignoring me except when you absolutely have to deal with me directly. Would collaboration between teams be stunted because you won’t answer my message? You’ve done it before to me, so I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened again. Then again, it’s not like I’d even get this job. Despite having the highest seniority on the team, ironically my failing is my perceived gender. The bosses are interested in putting a woman in the leadership role and like two writers already for it neither of which is me.

It just seems like there’s a lot of things stacked against me for getting this job. But I think it’s worse that I just don’t know how I’d deal with either of those writers taking the job. I trained both of them. ME. And then they are going to be telling me how to do my job?

It’s a terrible thing to think, but I figure you’d feel the same way in my situation. I’m pretty sure you did feel that way somewhat, since you had been in my situation a while back. All the other people going for the job came after you, though I’m not sure if you trained any of them. I wonder if that’s what had you so angry, or primed for anger before I added to the furnace?

I guess I should apologize for that, but you’ve gotten enough of them from me. Probably too many. And we both know it doesn’t do anything. Doesn’t change anything with us. With how our life is going. So instead, I’ll give you the courtesy at least, to ask how you would feel if I took the new job. I know, your feelings shouldn’t affect what I do to make my life better, but they do. A lot of people’s feelings do. That’s why I avoid people. And I don’t want to see you hate me even more because I forced us to work together.

Anyway, hope you are having fun. I know you are. You always do. Or try to. We both know that’s why you put up with me as long as you did.

Signed,

The Imp

P. S. Terra says hi.