Stop Playing the Bad Songs

Stop Playing the Bad Songs: How Ezekiel Tyrus Discovered True Happiness

By Ezekiel Tyrus

My name is Ezekiel Tyrus. People call me Zeke.

There is no perfect life. You're always going to have responsibilities, there will always be disappointments, and assholes are everywhere.

However, responsibilities build character, some events will exceed your expectations, and nice people are everywhere.

Depression, anger, self-destructive urges and suicidal thoughts have consumed me since adolescence. Many people thought I'd be gone by 30, including myself.

Whenever somebody was rude to me or somehow mistreated me, I harbored resentment, thought about what they did all the time, replaying it in my mind in one continuous loop, and in many situations, I pursued revenge, of which I will not elaborate.

Mellowing into my mid-30s, I began treating other people and myself better. My relationships got deeper and it was time to take take my writing seriously. Eventually selling a few short stories, writing and producing a few plays and selling a novel, Eli,Ely by Ezekiel Tyrus.

Despite good things happening in my life, I still couldn't be 100% happy. My demons, my destructive thoughts were always there. Everything form somebody being a dick to me and me wanting revenge, to me being dissatisfied with some aspect of my life past or present, and brooding about it, getting all worked-up and angry, upsetting the people closest to me.

If you are wondering why my 4-year relationship recently came to an end, that’s part of it. You can’t be 100% present for somebody when you’re too busy fuming about your past.

I knew I wanted to change and that it was now a quality of life issue. Who wants to spend their entire adult life like this? Thoughts like revenge and looking back in anger ate up so much of my precious time.

I wanted to be happy, at peace and I wanted to be the kind of cool guy who doesn’t react to other people’s bullshit.

In the last few years, I buried a considerable amount of baggage but it wasn't enough and I wanted a mind uncluttered by yesterday's outrage, and I wanted to lose my desire to beat-up every asshole I saw.

For decades, I tried various therapies that did nothing and though I've been meditating for years, it wasn't providing the overall personal change I needed.

I read a book called The Tangier Diaries by John Hopkins. It was a detailed diary by an American expatriate living in Morocco and I decided I wanted to keep a detailed diary of my own thinking it'd increase my skill as a writer and be something to secure my memories as I got older.

As I started doing this, I remembered advice regarding a Gratitude Journal where you write '5 Things to be Grateful For' every night before bedtime. I tried it years ago and it was stupid as I was just kept writing the same things every night and still woke up angry.

Instead, I decided to up the ante and try to write about gratitude every time I saw something to be grateful for. So, I'd literally wake up and immediately write, "Grateful that I got a good night's sleep last night." Then I’d write, "Grateful for the company I had last night." Then, "Grateful I had time to write fiction yesterday." "Grateful I’m having a good morning. I'm listening to music. I’m in a good mood. I have time to exercise and shower before work." Then I step outside and write "Grateful for today's weather. It's a gorgeous Northern California day with plenty of sun and not too hot. Grateful I live in San Francisco. It feels like home after all these years. Grateful I live in North Beach, the coolest neighborhood in SF.” Deciding to hail a cab halfway to work, “Grateful that I just hailed a cab and grateful the cab driver is a young dude who seems like the kind of guy I'd hang out with and his cab is a clean, brand new hybrid and the cabdriver is listening to a radio station that I like and the cab driver is telling me about his band, saying they’re deeply influenced by Steely Dan."

And so on, I'm literally in the cab writing in my journal writing about how grateful I am to be inside the cab writing in my journal.

"Grateful on my way to work today, I see a beautiful Asian-American woman in yoga pants and a red 49ers jersey, we make eye contact and she smiles and has dimples," and so forth.

Writers need to write as often as possible and they need to be observant. Within a few days, I realized I was always writing and observing. So, it did make me a better, more disciplined writer but also, I recognized that I was always smiling.

Recently,I told my ex-girlfriend Michelle that I'm not getting any new asshole memories because the moment a rude encounter is over, it's out of my head because immediately I'm seeing things around me that give me gratitude.

In a few weeks, I filled several journals with nothing but moments of gratitude. I can always go back and read them and be happy again.

Disappointments that in the past would've sent me in a suffering rage either directed within or towards somebody else, -now fly right through me because even inside a disappointment, you can find things to be grateful. Sometimes, it's merely the opportunity.

When I found myself embraced by so much happiness and appreciation for the world around me, I began wishing I had been doing this habit/hobby/art-form my entire life. I'd sit around thinking of all these magic moments in my early adulthood that I wish I captured in my Gratitude Journal as it was happening, like the time I won 500 dollars playing a lottery scratch off or the time the most beautiful girl at the club in Tampa, the one I had been admiring for from afar for months took me home. Within weeks we were living together. We were briefly engaged and lived in London, England. Does it matter that we never got married, that it didn’t work out? No. Not really. I’m just grateful for the experience of having been young, in love and in London.

Then I went further into my childhood, my adolescence and I kept remembering all these events and moments in my life that I was so thoroughly grateful, it changed my entire perspective.

In a relatively short time, my generation bought records, then cassette tapes and eventually CDs. If you bought an album with 12 songs and you liked 10 of those songs, you had a damn good album. You had a great album. Nobody bought an album and expected to like every song. If you liked 10 out of 12 songs, that album was considered a classic.

However, if all you did was focus on the two songs that sucked, the two songs you hated, if those were the only songs you played over and over again, than you had a shitty record, a terrible record, one that makes you unhappy and angry as you keep replaying these two songs over and over again.

Keeping a detailed Gratitude Journal has made me realize that all I've been doing my entire life is replaying the two songs that suck on an otherwise brilliant album.

My life has been great, absolutely amazing. I've caused total disasters and walked away unscathed. I have survived more than one serious suicide attempt. I've been in numerous street fights and yet, have no criminal record and no real damage other than a crooked nose and a cool scar on my face. I've been blessed and extraordinary lucky my entire life but only now am I aware of it, at age 42.

Am I a slow learner or a late-bloomer?

Who knows? Either way, I’m grateful.

My childhood was awesome. My adolescence was great. My early adulthood was charmed. I would gladly relive my entire life, even if it meant having to experience the same bad decisions I made and others made because ultimately, they were merely the two crappy songs on an otherwise perfect album.

People who've known me a long time will be shocked by this because part of my identity was that I hated my childhood, I hated my family, hated my adolescence, hated my early adulthood, hated my past and whatever happiness I've experienced in life, it was always too fleeting and the two chips I carried on my shoulders were visible wherever I went.

Today, I can't think of my past without conjuring hours and hours of gratitude. Seriously, I can only think of the stuff I’m grateful for and that’s not a manipulation. I’m not deluded. I love my entire family, they gave me a great childhood, they gave me a million stories, and a great foundation and they gave me my entire life and now I want to know how the rest of it is going to be as a very happy person because this is new to me.

Who knew underneath all the darkness and anger was a very happy person? I certainly did not.

Now, while a part of me lately has been regretting that I didn't start this Gratitude Journal decades ago, another part of me recognizes that had I discovered happiness back then, I never would've written Eli,Ely.

I am so proud of my novel and think everybody should read it but a happy person doesn't write a novel like Eli, Ely.

I wrote it a time period when I was either going to commit suicide or write abook and look what I did.

My next book, inspired by happiness and gratitude will be even better.

Not everybody will be inspired to keep a detailed Gratitude Journal but for those of you out there suffering from depression, anger issues, thoughts of suicide, it could simply be a question of focus.

What are you thinking about?

Are you constantly replaying the worst songs on an otherwise great album?

It’s easy to let the assholes, the jerks, the bullies, the green-eyed monsters occupy all your mental headlines but look around, you’ve got friends and there are even more people who want you to do well, wishing you nothing but good cheer. Let them have all the publicity in your mental media.

And to all my friends and family, especially those who’ve been there for years and have put up with me, know I love you and I'm sorry.

if you ever want to know what to give me as a gift, buy me a journal, I've gone through about 5 or 6 of these babies in a few weeks. I'm going to give away all my books on my bookshelves and fill them up with my own Gratitude Journals. That’s a personal challenge.

And speaking of gratitude, thanks for your time. I appreciate you reading (or listening) to this entire piece.

10/29/2013