You Need To Reevaluate Your Life If Even The Squirrels Are Out To Get You

I don’t know much, but I know that it’s time to reevaluate your life if even the squirrels are out to get you. Seriously, squirrels? They’re not exactly known for being malicious. If squirrels are out to get you, chances are everyone else is too.

Apparently, an associate math professor at a community college in Iowa called the police after his/her bicycle was vandalized. Another professor came forward with a photograph of the perpetrator: a squirrel. In the span of two days, the squirrel had apparently chewed through two tires, a seat, a headlight, and a tail light. I’m not joking, just look.

Let’s set aside for the moment the fact that this professor ticked off this squirrel enough to chew through inorganic matter (not something I know squirrels to do randomly). Look at the fact that the other professor observed this vandalizing and didn’t stop it. Instead, he/she took pictures.

Granted, perhaps this other professor might say that he/she wanted to obtain proof that the squirrel was responsible and didn’t think anyone would believe him/her. However, I call ‘bull’ on that. I know this professor was laughing when taking the picture. I know that this photo, though provided to the police, was posted somewhere. Squirrel jokes ensued (at the bike owning professor’s expense no less).

See? Squirrels hate this professor. The professor’s coworkers hate this professor. It’s entirely possible that this hatred is undeserved, that the professor is the subject of unfair squirrel persecution, but it raises questions at the very least. This professor needs to take a good look at his/her life and try to figure out where he/she may have crossed the squirrels.

People should not anger the squirrels.