Another Day – Another… Well Another Day

I survived yesterday.

I admit after being out long enough to get food for the livestock, and some milk for me (damn, I drink too much milk for the price it is) that I needed a G&T to calm me down and get me settled. It was past noon, so that makes it all right… right?

Don’t get me wrong – I don’t seek escape from my own mind in alcohol often but sometimes there seems little other recourse. If I tried that avenue every time I was feeling overwhelmed by the noise in my head I’d be a stumbling drunk more than half the year.  As I’m no longer twenty, I can’t keep up that sort of behavior.

Today, I am doing better. Good – No, but better. Once the winter cycles start, better than yesterday is all I can ask for– and too often my requests are batted out of the air by the demons clawing around inside my head. Not literal demons, as I do not have that particular affliction, but there does dwell a darkness in me I am glad that the medication can keep in check.

Most of my horror stories come from this black dread that dwells with-in. I write them not to honour this side but much in the way a steam valve functions.

I have things that need to happen before I can sink into that state where I no longer battle for control on myself but seek constant distraction to keep the noise preoccupied. Unfortunately life does always get in the way.

I need to get more wood – for we heat our house with a wood burning furnace and the temperature is quickly dropping. Unfortunately the truck needs a new vacuum pump – the brakes rely on it – so I can’t go hauling a trailer loaded down with a logs if I can’t trust my brakes. Working on the truck, in the cold, as my mind slips gears and makes it hard to focus and remember what and why I was doing something – - well not my idea of fun.

Still, if not me than who?

I don’t write to be rich – but I confess a weakness. At times like these, I wish I were wealthy, so everything could be done for me and I could slip into sweet oblivion. Is this selfish, lazy, weak?  I don’t know. Doesn’t matter because rich I am not.

I shall survive today as well and tomorrow will bring what tomorrow brings.

Filed under: Homesteading, Mental Health, Writing Tagged: Bi-polar, Brain, brakes, crazy, cycle, darkness, demons, frustration, heat, heat with wood, medication, Mental Health, truck, winter, wood, wood furnace