25 MORE RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME, THAT I WILL EMPHATICALLY DENY
1. Do you regularly smell your laundry? YES, BUT ONLY WHEN THERE IS NOBODY ELSE’S LAUNDRY IN THE HAMPER
2. Do you mix alcohol with firearms? ONLY WHEN PSYCHO-MEDS ARE ALSO INVOLVED, AND IT’S FOR A GOOD CAUSE
3. When was the last time you were inside a Woman? NO NEED-THERE’S ONE TRAPPED INSIDE ME
4. Have you ever shaved your head in solidarity with Neo-Nazi Skinheads? NEVER-MY BARBER STRONGLY ADVISED THE MORE URBANE ‘JOSEF GOEBBELS’ SLICKBACK
5. Have you ever been tested for an STD? NO, BUT I HAVE DONE THE WRITTEN PORTION
6. What is the most chemically attractive characteristic to the opposite sex? ROOFIES
7. Have you ever felt you were secretly adopted? YES, ALTHOUGH MY PARENTS SWEAR IT WAS DONE OPENLY
8. Have you ever participated in a threesome? YES MANY TIMES, WITH PANTENE 2-IN-1 SHAMPOO AND CONDITIONER
9. Have you ever manscaped? YES, I PRACTICE A ‘SCORCH AND BURN’ POLICY
10. What are your views on ritual genital mutilation? IT REALLY DEPENDS ON WHO IS CATERING
11. What separates you from the herd? THE HYENAS WHO AMBUSH ME WHILE I’M CASUALLY DRINKING FROM THE CREEK
12. If you had man-boobs like Meatloaf, how would you end your life? I’D STILL GET MILKED AT THE CRACK OF DAWN, AND THEN SET OFF ON A SMALL BOAT AND SET IT AFIRE LIKE A VIKING
13. If you were forced to have plastic surgery, what would you change? I’D GET A DEEP MANLY CLEFT IN MY BALLSAC
14. What’s the most romantic thing a girl has ever said to you? ’I PUT A PAPER BAG OVER MY BOYFRIEND’S HEAD WITH A CRAYONED PICTURE OF YOU ON IT
15. What do you dread? LOX
16. How many Women have you ever made love to? I HAVE MADE LOVE TO A TOTAL OF 6 WOMEN…..AND 426 IF YOU ALSO COUNT FOREIGN ESCORTS
17. Have you done jail time? YES FOR BEING THE ALLEGED MASTERMIND OF A RUSSIAN COUNTERFEIT SUIT RING… BUT THAT STORY IS IN THE BOOK
18.What are your pet peeves? I WILL ALWAYS DO YOU FIRST, BECAUSE I HATE OWING PEOPLE
19. What is your biggest fear? BEING DRAGGED INTO THE LADIES ROOM BY A DRUNKEN HORDE OF SOFTBALL CHICKS
20. Do you still have any childhood friends? A FEW FROM KINDERGARTEN, MOSTLY IN FORMALDEHYDE
21. Do you have a License To Kill? NO, BUT I HAVE DONE THE WRITTEN PORTION
22. What torture would make you sign a confession of murder you didn’t commit? DOING NO CARBS AND LIVING NEXT TO A BAKERY
23. What is the most incongruous thing about your character? MY ABERRANT LOVE OF SHIH TZUS
24 What would you rather lose your ‘sense of taste’ or your ‘sense of smell’? IF YOU’VE SEEN MY EX-GIRLFRIENDS, YOU’D KNOW I LOST MY SENSE OF TASTE YEARS AGO
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