If you are not living life on the edge, then you are probably living life on the blunt

Cigarette butted beer, stale pizza crusts and no nagging…the Sunday Brunch of Champions…..Resplendent in your plaid bathrobe, black socks and shades; straight out of a 60s black and white porno….and in that unenviable state of total drunkness and feeling no pain, where you don’t need a sleep number as you sleep number….But inevitably, there comes a time in the aging process when you reach an equilibrium point on the graph of life, a sorry phenomenon where you wake up every morning feeling as shit as from back to back benders….today was that day…. Usually when I wake up feeling this shit, I’m sometimes amazed not to find I’m chained to an oar, aboard a slave ship..

When I wake up feeling this shit, and I’m at a Starbucks-Wannabe Shithole and the coffee dealing Barista Pusher asks:'How do you take your coffee?'

I usually answer” ‘with the cynaide pill embedded in my molar, leftover from the Nuremberg trials’

Seriously, when I wake up and feel this shit, the natural tendency would be to say ‘You should see the other guy’…but that sounds just so wrong…not that there’s anything wrong with that, except I have 2 Gay Brothers… so I kinda already gave at home…. I miss the simpler times, when things were clearcut and you knew who you were, just out riding fences and punching cattle and  tying widows and small children to the train tracks rusted from incessant feral cat piss.

Why isn’t there a better pizza bagel delivery system? The smell of coffee egregiously wafting from one of my neighbor’s apartments, now has me rifling through my closet desperately searching for my meth lab battering ram…Although a door just slammed, and I can hear the clinking of the emptys from last night’s Moabite fertility rites, so a straightforward cold cock and forced entry might be in order- whether there’s coffee or not…..a modest payback as that goat they sacrificed, did not go quietly into the night …now where is that ski mask hiding?

So in conclusion- you don’t have to be clinically catatonic to wake up that way…just wary of life and on an accelerated path to aging ; and If it’s sanity you’re after, never date a girl with cross-eyed nipples…