Some Really Bad Job Hunting Advice

I like to use AOL as my homepage. I enjoy their news (man with biggest testicles in the world has surgery!), as well as their helpful tips on securing employment.

Now, I’m not really interested in securing any employment. I mainly just like to read the articles. Why? Because the information they give is the SAME COMMON SENSE INFORMATION that anyone with opposable thumbs and 4th grade reading level could figure out on their own.

So rather than be part of the solution, I’m going to be part of the problem by telling you all why you should avoid common sense and just start fucking winging it.

This is actually going to be part of a series of books I’m working on in the non-fiction genre. I’ve actually created a new form of self-help. It’s called self-sabotage.

1. Include all your contact information on your resume.

Yeah, this is actually a “tip” written by an expert in the industry. People failing to put any contact information on their resume is a HUGE problem. I can’t tell you how often a resume gets sent under the name ‘anonymous’ with contact information that reads “if you want to hire me that bad, you’ll find me.”

This is not a tip. It’s basic fucking common sense. However, I’m going to expand on it. Don’t just put your name, address phone number and email. Take it a step further. Add some of the bars you like to drink in or the adult chat rooms you frequent. They’ll find you for sure.

2. Use effective titles.

The true goal of a job title isn’t to tell people what you did. That’s actually the opposite of what you want. If you are writing an effective job title, you need to make sure that not one single human being on this planet can actually figure out what you did in that job.  For example;

Bad: Accounting Manager

Good: Chief Mid-Level Operation Supervisor In Charge of Eliminating Numerical Redundancies

3. Use a standard font style and size

Fuck that. You’re a non-conformist. Personally, I like to use wingding’s on my resume. Nothing says great employee like;

♣∞♥♦ ♦♥♦♥♣∞♥♦

4. Be courteous

Really? So I shouldn’t call the person interviewing me a fucktarded douchebag? Nah, you’re putting me on. Personally, I think that the guy who uses racial slurs and shows up drunk is going to be a lot more memorable than the guy who sucks up about the companies mission statement.

5. Dress nicely

I’ve heard is said that you should dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Ever since I saw Firefly, all I’ve really wanted was to be the captain of a ragtag band of space pirates.  Finally, a reason to wear my eye-patch and carry my ray gun at the same time!

6. Bullet points are AWESOME!

Use
bullet
points
because
people
are
morons
who
can
only
handle
one
line
of
text
at
a
time

7. Follow up

Most people recommend sending a ‘thank you’ card following an interview. Just so you know, that card usually just gets throw away. I actually recommend a more personalized approach. Follow the person who interviewed you home from work. Show up at their kids school. Trust me, if they wake up at 3 am with you standing over their bed, they’ll never forget you.

There you go. With my helpful tips, I can pretty much guarantee you that you’ll never find gainful employment again. On the upside, you’ll get to be one of those ‘worst employee interview ever’ myths that HR people like to tell.