Help a Fellow Out!

I was reading on Jezebel about this lonely single man who is having trouble finding his ideal match. His website is Sleepless in Austin. I don’t know why, but I immediately thought of Julia London. Oh, Austin. Of course. He’s in her neck of the woods! Match made in heaven? Let’s check out his list of requirements, shall we?

I am looking for a decent girl that wants to be in a long term monogamus relationship with me. (He had me at “monogamus!” Rhymes with hippopotamus? )

I want the girl to be attractive. (Well of course, wait until you see him!)

I like girls that are thin, or with a toned or athletic build. A average build is fine too, just as long as you are not over weight. I will not date a overweight or fat girl. (Or learn when to use “an” instead of “a”).

I like girls that are 130 pounds or less. Of course weight needs to be in proportion to their height, as long as they aren’t considred overweight, they should be fine. (So 130 pounds and 3 feet tall need not apply? But 180 is okay if you’re seven feet tall.)

Being overweight is a total dealbreaker with me. (In case you didn’t catch that…)

I also like girls with long hair. I like a girl to look like a girl, not a man, I like a feminine, pretty girl. I like hair down to the shoulders at least. Sometimes I can make exceptions if it is shorter depending on how it looks on the girl. But for the most part, I love long hair. (As long as she doesn’t look like Fabio?)

Redheads are my favorite, next is Brunettes, and next is Blondes, in that order. I like all 3, but I’m just saying if I had to choose, that’s my order of preference. (How about all three in one? Like a brunette with red and blond highlights? Score!)

I will not date a Black girl. I don’t care if she looks like Halle Berry, I will not ever date a Black girl. 

However, I will date any other race, Hispanic, Mexican, Spanish, Russian, Italian, French, European, White, whatever, anything except Black.

I do not like glasses on a girl. Although, it’s not a dealbreaker, as long as she can wear contacts at least most of the time.

I do not ever want to have kids, so if a girl is wanting to have babies, I am not her man. (At least, he doesn’t plan to reproduce).

I will not date a girl that does not have a job or career. (Gainfully employed ladies, line starts here).

I am not looking for any type of woman that is materialistic or a gold digger or expects a man to pay for everything. (He needs his money to pay for his extensive wardrobe– see pictures.)

I do not like tattoos on a woman. If a woman already has tattoos, it may not be a deal breaker unless she plans to get more in the future. If a woman has something small and feminine like a butterfly or rose already on her ankle or something then it may not necessacerily be a dealbreaker. And it would also help if she would consider having them laser removed, something I might would even pay to have done for her. (Don’t expect a man to pay for everything, but he will spring for tattoo removal. What a guy!)

To me, tattoos just represent white trash or somone that’s been in prison. I do not care for following trends like mindless sheep and getting tats just because what ever Star on TV got them, they will always be a symbol of White Trash. The Female human body is the most beautiful work of Art God ever created, to tattoo it with ink is the same as vandalising a famous Monet painting with a can of spray paint!

I also do not like piercings on a woman. I do not like a woman to have anything pireced other than her Ears. If she has other piercings it’s not a dealbreaker as long as she removes them and never wears them again. 

I do not like gamblers. I will not be in any relationship with a woman that gambles or wastes money on such things.

I do not like strippers! I will not date any girl that has ever been a stripper. I believe that the only person that should ever see a womans naked body is only her boyfriend or husband.

I will not date any girl that has ever had a threesome, or a large number of past sexual partners. I do not want a promiscuous slut, I want a normal, decent, good hearted girlfriend.

I will not date any girl that can not always be honest & faithful to me. This is very important.

I prefer a girl that does not smoke, but as long as she does not smoke in my house or around me, if she can go outside and smoke, then I can live with that. I lived with my ex girlfriend for Eleven years, and she was a smoker. (Someone stayed with this guy for eleven years? I hope she drank, too. A lot.)

I will not date any girl if she is still friends with any men that she has been intimate with in the past, I believe once a relationship with someone is over, it’s OVER. (Over! No friendships with exes.)

I will not date a selfish woman. I do not like selfish women at all. (Selfish, as in, not sharing blouses?)

I do not like sarcastic or cynical people, I do not like people that always think negatively either, so that type of girl would also not be a good match for me. 

I know sometimes on my website here, I may seem like a negative person because I point out sooooo many things that I dislike, but I assure you I am a very positive person, I am just tring to put out here my likes/dislikes so you can know more about me and what type of girl may get along with me. (Girls with brains need not apply).

I do not expect a girl to agree with all of my beliefs or opinions etc, but I do not like to argue, and it’s very important that we can live in peace together if at some point the girl & I live together. I like to live in a quiet & peaceful environment. That is extremely important to me.

I like a girl that dresses on the conservative side. Not like a slut, and not anything weird. Just normal is fine. T-Shirt & Jeans are OK. But a girl in a dress really gets my heart racing! I also love it when a girl wears a mini skirt with boots, not cowboy boots, but sexy boots. Or high heels, I love spiked high heels! (Conservative short skirts and sexy boots, high heeled spiky sexy boots).

I like a girl that takes care of herself and keeps herself clean of course. (No dirty girls).

I love it when a girl wears sexy lingerie in the bedroom! Especially thigh highs! 

I need a girl that can be very warm & affectionate and loving.

It’s also nice if the girl has a big heart and appreciates simples things, and understands the value of sentimental things etc. (Translation: Doesn’t laugh at his ambition to write Hallmark cards).

I like a girl that appreciates romance and the art of courtship.

Kissing is one of my most favorite things to do with a girl, it’s very important. I also love to hold a girls hand when I am walking with her. And I love sleeping beside a girl and holding her close to me, and spooning with her. In fact THAT is the reason I named this website “Sleepless In Austin” because I haven’t had a single good nights sleep in years, ever since my relationship ended with my ex-girlfriend.

And yes, I also liked the movie Sleepless in Seattle, haha (Clever, you see what he did there?)

It dosen’t matter at all to me how big or small a girls breasts are. I prefer them to be real & natural though. I am against breast implants, I see that as unnecessery self mutilation, and I would not want a girlfriend that has breast implants. (Deal-breaker, or will he pay for removal, like with the tats?)

I prefer a woman that has never had children, because having kids does ruin a womans body often times. They end up with stretch marks. And also sometimes it makes their vagina looser, and I don’t care how many kegel exercises a woman does, after she has 2 or 3 eight to ten pound babies, you can’t tell me it’s going to be 100% as tight as it ever was! Plus, what’s even worse than all of that, is sometimes during childbirth the lips/vulva of a woman get torn and they never look the same as the did originally even after they heal, that’s why some women even get cosmetic reconstructive surgery to their vulvas after childbirth to try and regain their original appearance. (Oh, that’s why! I always wondered. Thanks, Dr. Sleepless).

Now I’m not saying having had a kid or two is a for sure dealbreaker for me, but it’s a case by case basis, and I prefer a woman that’s never had kids if possible. My ex-girlfriend that I was with for Eleven years never had kids, she couldn’t because of a hysterectomy at a young age. (Hysterectomy a plus).

I like to get a lot of attention in a relationship, and I like to give it as well.

I also have a very high sex drive. (Rev up your engines and get ready to meet Mr. Sleepless!)

Ready? Here he is! 

I hope you weren’t drinking when you read this, because it might be all over your keyboard now and I have to deny all responsibility. So, know anyone for him?

Share this: