An Open Letter to My Ex
We had some good times together, yeah. Windows 95 was a stellar year for us. Ah, how you dazzled me in those days. Then came a slow, sad decline. The lost messages, the late nights trying to reboot our network, and then the inevitable-slash-painful break-up. For months afterwards, I felt guilty for all the things I said, worrying I was too harsh when we parted.
But now? I’ve got the MacBook Pro in my life and damn, you got off easy, you lazy bastard.
Here’s the bottom line: I know you were playing me, you dick, and I’m about to give you a piece of my mind. Read on for the pain.
First of all, you take forever to do anything, and that’s annoying. When I was running late to meetings, I’d have to start you up in the car because you simply HAVE to take your sweet time booting up. So irritating. Plus you’re constantly stalling out at odd times, ordering me to wait with your little hourglass icon or your big blue screen of death. Fuck you.
And second, you’re ugly. Yeah, you read that right. Your keyboard is klunky and you put zero design thought into your chassis. Learn to take a little pride in your appearance, honey.
And third, you’ve got an ass-load of baggage. And I’m not just talking about bloat-ware here, although Heaven knows that situation is extreme. Why did you come loaded with Access and Visual Basic when all I wanted was Word? Why? But the bigger question is why did I decide to hang on even as I became a champ at Add-Remove Programs? Even then, you still played me, letting me pretend to wipe out Windows Explorer, when you really had no intention of letting me touch your so-called operating system. At the time, I thought you were being cocky and cute. Ah, youth!
Back to your baggage issues. Again, I’m not talking about bloatware here. I’m talking about you, PC. You weigh a freaking ton. Lugging your heavy ass around airports and hallways is making my massage therapist a rich man to this day. Sheesh.
So that’s it: why you suck and eventually anyone you hook up with will dump you. And yeah, I’d feel guilty (again) for saying all this to you…if I thought there was a chance in Hell that you’d take me seriously. But you’ll dust yourself off and grin, thinking you can easily win me back with a new tablet-shell on the same old backend of bullshit. Sigh. Not going to happen, buddy.
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