Summer Query Extravaganza 16
Yesterday's critique must have been a winner because the heat burst and left my part of Indiana with nice cool air!
You know the drill. Contact me on twitter if you want your query showcased. Comment on the query before and after yours. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.
The original version:
Dear Agent,
When vengeful spirits kidnap the mother of seventeen-year-old witch Agatha Crowe, she must do the one thing she promised herself she’d never, ever do. Ask her dark warlock father she’s never met for help. Even though he’s supposed to be dead, Agatha knows better, and according to a note her mother left, he’s the only one who can help.
But Agatha’s father is not exactly what she expects. Sure he’s volatile and solitary, but he’s also still recklessly in love with her mother. Then there’s his roguish and infuriatingly handsome huntsman, Digger Hawke, who makes it his life mission to drive Agatha completely mad.
If she wants to free her mother and protect their land for the living, Agatha must embrace the side of herself she’s tried to suppress and accept that there may be more than one side to the legend of the wicked Adrian Crowe.
THE CROWES is YA Fantasy and complete at 70,000 words.
Thanks for your consideration,
Now with crazy commentary:
Dear Agent,
When vengeful spirits kidnap the mother of seventeen-year-old witch Agatha Crowe, she must do the one thing she promised herself she’d never, ever do. These need to be connect in some way with a colon or an em dash. And it leaves me wondering why the spirits are vengeful against her mother. It's also a little wordy. When vengeful spirits kidnap seventeen-year-old witch Agatha Crowe's mother, Agatha must ...Ask her dark warlock father she’s never met for help assistance. Vary the word choice. Even though he’s supposed to be dead, Agatha knows better, and according to a note her mother left, he’s the only one who can help. I can't help wondering why Agatha needs the help. I'm seeing helicopter parents. First her mom has to leave her a note. Then Agatha needs her dad to kick ass. It makes her sound like a weak, passive MC. Maybe if dad was her ticket into the dark neverworld, that would explain she's strong on her own and just needs a bit of an edge. Or if her dad came around to fix her lawnmower (Thanks, Dad!) that's the kinda help that doesn't overshadow her. Dad's the only one who can get her into the haunted mansion, where the spirits are plotting to ... using her mother as ...
But Agatha’s father is not exactly what she expects. Sure he’s volatile and solitary, but he’s also still recklessly in love with her mother. You are stripping away the conflict from your query. Oh, dad's not so terrible. He's really a good guy--for a dark warlock. Happy family reunion. Probably the sort of thing that can stay out of the query, but works great in the manuscript. Then there’s his roguish and infuriatingly handsome huntsman, Digger Hawke, who makes it his life mission to drive Agatha completely mad. This takes us away from the plot and into kissy-kissy land. The genre says fantasy, not romance. Not that I object to a touch of romance, quite the contrary. If you had why Agatha needs him around, then added the kissiness of him, that's another barrel of apples. If you decide to stick with Digger in the query, I'd be more specific about how he drives her mad. Put I think I'd stick with the vengeful spirits and what they are doing.
If she wants to free her mother and protect their land for the living Hmm? Protect the land? This kinda crept in there with nothing in the rest of the query to back it up. , Agatha must embrace the side of herself she’s tried to suppress and accept that there may be more than one side to the legend of the wicked Adrian Crowe. Keep it focused on Agatha. Less dad and more MC.
THE CROWES is YA Fantasy and complete at 70,000 words. Sounds good.
Thanks for your consideration,
So I think the hook works, but then you need to lighten up about dad and focus on Agatha and the spirits. What chaos are the spirits causing? Why did they take her mother? What is the threat to the land of the living?
You know the drill. Contact me on twitter if you want your query showcased. Comment on the query before and after yours. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.
The original version:
Dear Agent,
When vengeful spirits kidnap the mother of seventeen-year-old witch Agatha Crowe, she must do the one thing she promised herself she’d never, ever do. Ask her dark warlock father she’s never met for help. Even though he’s supposed to be dead, Agatha knows better, and according to a note her mother left, he’s the only one who can help.
But Agatha’s father is not exactly what she expects. Sure he’s volatile and solitary, but he’s also still recklessly in love with her mother. Then there’s his roguish and infuriatingly handsome huntsman, Digger Hawke, who makes it his life mission to drive Agatha completely mad.
If she wants to free her mother and protect their land for the living, Agatha must embrace the side of herself she’s tried to suppress and accept that there may be more than one side to the legend of the wicked Adrian Crowe.
THE CROWES is YA Fantasy and complete at 70,000 words.
Thanks for your consideration,
Now with crazy commentary:
Dear Agent,
When vengeful spirits kidnap the mother of seventeen-year-old witch Agatha Crowe, she must do the one thing she promised herself she’d never, ever do. These need to be connect in some way with a colon or an em dash. And it leaves me wondering why the spirits are vengeful against her mother. It's also a little wordy. When vengeful spirits kidnap seventeen-year-old witch Agatha Crowe's mother, Agatha must ...Ask her dark warlock father she’s never met for help assistance. Vary the word choice. Even though he’s supposed to be dead, Agatha knows better, and according to a note her mother left, he’s the only one who can help. I can't help wondering why Agatha needs the help. I'm seeing helicopter parents. First her mom has to leave her a note. Then Agatha needs her dad to kick ass. It makes her sound like a weak, passive MC. Maybe if dad was her ticket into the dark neverworld, that would explain she's strong on her own and just needs a bit of an edge. Or if her dad came around to fix her lawnmower (Thanks, Dad!) that's the kinda help that doesn't overshadow her. Dad's the only one who can get her into the haunted mansion, where the spirits are plotting to ... using her mother as ...
But Agatha’s father is not exactly what she expects. Sure he’s volatile and solitary, but he’s also still recklessly in love with her mother. You are stripping away the conflict from your query. Oh, dad's not so terrible. He's really a good guy--for a dark warlock. Happy family reunion. Probably the sort of thing that can stay out of the query, but works great in the manuscript. Then there’s his roguish and infuriatingly handsome huntsman, Digger Hawke, who makes it his life mission to drive Agatha completely mad. This takes us away from the plot and into kissy-kissy land. The genre says fantasy, not romance. Not that I object to a touch of romance, quite the contrary. If you had why Agatha needs him around, then added the kissiness of him, that's another barrel of apples. If you decide to stick with Digger in the query, I'd be more specific about how he drives her mad. Put I think I'd stick with the vengeful spirits and what they are doing.
If she wants to free her mother and protect their land for the living Hmm? Protect the land? This kinda crept in there with nothing in the rest of the query to back it up. , Agatha must embrace the side of herself she’s tried to suppress and accept that there may be more than one side to the legend of the wicked Adrian Crowe. Keep it focused on Agatha. Less dad and more MC.
THE CROWES is YA Fantasy and complete at 70,000 words. Sounds good.
Thanks for your consideration,
So I think the hook works, but then you need to lighten up about dad and focus on Agatha and the spirits. What chaos are the spirits causing? Why did they take her mother? What is the threat to the land of the living?
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