Summer Query Extravaganza 15
I would venture to say we are in the Dog Days of summer. Hot and muggy everywhere. The flowers don't even want to bloom anymore. So since I can't offer a pool, cool off with this query critique.
You know the drill. Contact me on twitter if you want your query showcased. Comment on the query before and after yours. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.
Here is number 15 without my comments:
Dear Fabulous Agent,
Being a medium means two things for seventeen-year-old Ivory Jack: the living avoid her at school and the dead creep on her twenty-four/seven. According to her rural school, she should feel like she’s marked by the Devil himself, but she’s anything but ashamed. Ivory, with the help of her sisters, starts Jack & Sprat Incorporated, a paranormal investigative group with one mission, send ghosts back where they belong.
When Ivory and her sisters start their new gig at Scott Manor, it’s clear the ghosts are no longer the tame farmers and confused high schoolers they’re used to. Those were the easy ones. This ghost has no face, no voice, and no name. It only wishes to kill anyone who steps into the house and add them to its long list of puppets.
Between being on a spirit induced lockdown, running from children with sharp teeth and pure black eyes, and bumping into a ghost who won’t stop hanging himself in the kitchen, Ivory and her sisters are quickly in over their heads. If they can’t destroy the ghost in three days’ time, they’ll just be three more souls added to its collection, trapped inside Scott Manor forever.
MOTHER MAY I is a young adult horror novel complete at 58,000 words, which will appeal to fans of Kendra Blake and Lindsay Barraclough.Thank you for your time,Hopeful Writer
And number 15 with my comments:
Dear Fabulous Agent, (Now we're talking. And I am planning a contest for the best opening greeting. Stay tuned on that.)
Being a medium means two things for seventeen-year-old Ivory Jack: the living avoid her at school and the dead creep on her twenty-four/seven. (I do like that this opening has nice voice, but I would try to avoid starting with a colon. Unfortunately, I can't think of a better way to phrase it than you already have.) According to her rural school red-neck peers, she should feel like she’s marked by the Devil himself, but she’s anything but ashamed. (Also try to avoid starting all the sentences with phrases. Her red-neck peers believe she's marked by the Devil himself, but Ivory's not ashamed) Ivory, wWith the help of her sisters, she starts Jack & Sprat Incorporated, a paranormal investigative group with one mission, -- send ghosts back where they belong. (I would use an em dash here.) Is there a personal reason she wants to send ghosts back? Do they bug the heck out of her? Or does she just need the money. Work on inserting her motivation here. With the porch sagging and the roof not fixing itself, Ivory turns to her abilities and starts a paranormal investigation group with one mission--send those pesky ghost back where they belong and earn her a boatload of money while she's at it.
When Ivory and her sisters start their (get a rich?) new gig at Scott Manor, it’s clear the ghosts are no longer the tame farmers and confused high schoolers they’re used to. Those were the easy ones. (Easy money is over.) This ghost has no face, no voice, and no name. It only wishes to kill anyone who steps into the house and add them to its long list of puppets. (More direct. This ghost has no face, no voice, and no name. But it ain't harmless. It kills anyone who steps into the house, adding them to its long list of puppets.)
Between being on a spirit induced lockdown, running from children with sharp teeth and pure black eyes, and bumping into a ghost who won’t stop hanging himself in the kitchen, Ivory and her sisters are quickly in over their heads. (Change this around? Ivory and her sisters are quickly in over their heads with sprit-induced lockdowns, child ghosts who are vampire-wannabes, and a ditzy/sobbing ghost who won't stop hanging himself in the kitchen.) If they can’t destroy the mastermind ghost in three days’ time, they’ll just be three more souls added to its collection, trapped inside Scott Manor forever. Nice stakes.
MOTHER MAY I is a young adult horror novel complete at 58,000 words, which will appeal to fans of Kendra Blake and Lindsay Barraclough. Nice. But I'd like to see how the title comes into the story. And I got a fun vibe from the query rather than horror.Thank you for your time,Hopeful Writer
I would suggest getting a little more of Ivory into this query by detailing her motivation for starting the new business. Don't be afraid of using a few adjectives to add life to these ghosts. Since you don't use a lot of scary imagery, I went the other way and tried humor. You'll probably want to change that to match with your horror genre.
You know the drill. Contact me on twitter if you want your query showcased. Comment on the query before and after yours. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.
Here is number 15 without my comments:
Dear Fabulous Agent,
Being a medium means two things for seventeen-year-old Ivory Jack: the living avoid her at school and the dead creep on her twenty-four/seven. According to her rural school, she should feel like she’s marked by the Devil himself, but she’s anything but ashamed. Ivory, with the help of her sisters, starts Jack & Sprat Incorporated, a paranormal investigative group with one mission, send ghosts back where they belong.
When Ivory and her sisters start their new gig at Scott Manor, it’s clear the ghosts are no longer the tame farmers and confused high schoolers they’re used to. Those were the easy ones. This ghost has no face, no voice, and no name. It only wishes to kill anyone who steps into the house and add them to its long list of puppets.
Between being on a spirit induced lockdown, running from children with sharp teeth and pure black eyes, and bumping into a ghost who won’t stop hanging himself in the kitchen, Ivory and her sisters are quickly in over their heads. If they can’t destroy the ghost in three days’ time, they’ll just be three more souls added to its collection, trapped inside Scott Manor forever.
MOTHER MAY I is a young adult horror novel complete at 58,000 words, which will appeal to fans of Kendra Blake and Lindsay Barraclough.Thank you for your time,Hopeful Writer
And number 15 with my comments:
Dear Fabulous Agent, (Now we're talking. And I am planning a contest for the best opening greeting. Stay tuned on that.)
Being a medium means two things for seventeen-year-old Ivory Jack: the living avoid her at school and the dead creep on her twenty-four/seven. (I do like that this opening has nice voice, but I would try to avoid starting with a colon. Unfortunately, I can't think of a better way to phrase it than you already have.) According to her rural school red-neck peers, she should feel like she’s marked by the Devil himself, but she’s anything but ashamed. (Also try to avoid starting all the sentences with phrases. Her red-neck peers believe she's marked by the Devil himself, but Ivory's not ashamed) Ivory, wWith the help of her sisters, she starts Jack & Sprat Incorporated, a paranormal investigative group with one mission, -- send ghosts back where they belong. (I would use an em dash here.) Is there a personal reason she wants to send ghosts back? Do they bug the heck out of her? Or does she just need the money. Work on inserting her motivation here. With the porch sagging and the roof not fixing itself, Ivory turns to her abilities and starts a paranormal investigation group with one mission--send those pesky ghost back where they belong and earn her a boatload of money while she's at it.
When Ivory and her sisters start their (get a rich?) new gig at Scott Manor, it’s clear the ghosts are no longer the tame farmers and confused high schoolers they’re used to. Those were the easy ones. (Easy money is over.) This ghost has no face, no voice, and no name. It only wishes to kill anyone who steps into the house and add them to its long list of puppets. (More direct. This ghost has no face, no voice, and no name. But it ain't harmless. It kills anyone who steps into the house, adding them to its long list of puppets.)
Between being on a spirit induced lockdown, running from children with sharp teeth and pure black eyes, and bumping into a ghost who won’t stop hanging himself in the kitchen, Ivory and her sisters are quickly in over their heads. (Change this around? Ivory and her sisters are quickly in over their heads with sprit-induced lockdowns, child ghosts who are vampire-wannabes, and a ditzy/sobbing ghost who won't stop hanging himself in the kitchen.) If they can’t destroy the mastermind ghost in three days’ time, they’ll just be three more souls added to its collection, trapped inside Scott Manor forever. Nice stakes.
MOTHER MAY I is a young adult horror novel complete at 58,000 words, which will appeal to fans of Kendra Blake and Lindsay Barraclough. Nice. But I'd like to see how the title comes into the story. And I got a fun vibe from the query rather than horror.Thank you for your time,Hopeful Writer
I would suggest getting a little more of Ivory into this query by detailing her motivation for starting the new business. Don't be afraid of using a few adjectives to add life to these ghosts. Since you don't use a lot of scary imagery, I went the other way and tried humor. You'll probably want to change that to match with your horror genre.
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