two types of moms.
Two types of moms tend to garner my attention. First, the supermoms who play and sing and read and craft with their children while making learning an instrument fun and carrying all needed supplies and snacks in an unobtrusive but Mary Poppins-esque tote bag. Second, the well-meaning, unintentional slacker moms who nevertheless convey the important life lesson that love and a sense of humor can help you overcome all manner of logistical mishaps.
However, the real wonder and awe I feel for people who mother creatively often wells up when I consider women I know who are not technically mothers at all. Women who have no biological or adopted children often dig deep into their soul resources and end up mothering others in the best senses of the word, becoming extra mothers, so to speak. Have you known some extra mothers who are generous of spirit in these ways? Perhaps your own mother embodied these qualities and yet you also encountered them in an extra mother or two along the way. Maybe your childhood felt less than idyllic and an extra mother helped you keep alive hope in yourself and your future. Or maybe you didn't realize you wanted or needed an extra mother until she turned up. In any case, extra mothers show forth what we think of as the most desirable aspects of motherhood.
I enjoy seeing extra mothers love unconditionally. Teachers often become extra mothers, walking alongside children in their neediness, whether intellectual, emotional, or physical. These extra mothers have the ability to see past behavior and find root causes, but beyond that, they skip judgment or disapproval and go straight to genuine empathy and care. Grandparents tend to excel at this type of extra mothering. Sometimes a friend's mother offers a listening ear and sound advice. Cartwheel had an extra mother when he lived apart from us; she noticed that he seemed to have considerable free time, and she helped him fill it in her home with her family. Her food, kindness, and love helped Cartwheel make sense of those years.
Extra mothers give of their resources without thought of what it costs them. This is not to say that extra mothers bankrupt themselves or become martyrs, never allowing themselves the same consideration they accord to others. No, extra mothers recognize that authentic relationship is both costly and worth the cost. When giving a tangible gift will help, delight, or re-energize someone, extra mothers give. When attention will refresh another's soul, extra mothers pay attention. An older woman in the church I grew up in never married, but her unfailing kindness to children in the church took the form of encouraging children to become readers and thinkers. I remember her cheerfully taking the time to speak to me about my books (and my life) almost every Sunday. She died years ago, but the children's collection in that church's library is named for her.
Support and encouragement from extra mothers lead to growth and wholeness. Theirs is a love that sees a hopeful future ahead and focuses on long-term development of gifts and talents. I know a woman who never had children, but who earnestly prays for young people and their generation, based on her discernment of issues facing them. This woman teaches Bible study and brings cookies. She does this because she wants to see young people take hold of their own relationships with God and become healthy people in an emotional and spiritual sense, not because she wants to change their diets or have a say in what major they choose. Her care for them, as with many mothers and extra mothers, does not depend on a checklist or completed goals. It becomes even more valuable with hindsight, but these extra mothers inspire us and help us believe we, too, can make a difference in this world. Blossom befriended a woman who inspired her to pray for Children Heads of Household in one particular region of the world. This dear friend encouraged Blossom's perseverance and also made her feel helpful. Blossom is, however, still a sucker for a good accessory, and she knew she'd found her extra mother when she received a necklace stamped with the imprint of the region Blossom prays for.
Extra mothering is not easy to undertake or to maintain. There are no legal requirements to fulfill, and in a moment of conflict, even extra mothers may need a break. However, extra mothers who love and serve the Lord (and others) keep coming back for more time with "their" kiddos. They employ their gifts as a service, not as showboats. One extra mother I know has prayed that her life would be effective in sharing God's love. Her priorities help her not to get bogged down in a "what-if?" scenario of whether she should have given birth herself. Instead, when young people cross her path in her profession, her warmth and sense of humor draw them to her.
We may dismiss women who are not mothers in a strictly legal sense; often, we do minimize their contributions or even their life's worth. But when we do that, we do extra mothers a disservice. They are some of the best mothers I know.
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Jennifer LeBow is a Native Texan; lover of Jesus; happy wife of Honey, a Diplomatic Security Special Agent; mom of four (mostly) delightful kids: Cartwheel, 21; Einstein, 10; Blossom, 8; and Ladybug, 4; voracious reader, whose appetite for books is reluctantly subjugated to other duties in her life.
