the depth you never knew.

Motherhood took me by surprise in so many ways.

There’s the very literal aspect because neither of my children were really planned.

I was never the type that just loved kids or was really great with kids, so I spent most of my first pregnancy in silent anxiety, crying tears alone, ashamed because I should have been excited but instead I was terrified.  Not because I didn’t want her, but because I was certain I would fail her.

But there was that last push after 24 hours of working on her delivery, and I could not believe that miracle had just come out of me.  They laid her on my chest, and I fell in love.

How could I have known at that precise moment?  How could I have known I wouldn’t get to hold her for hours?  How could I know of tests and pictures and MRIs and surgery on a tiny 3 month old spinal cord?  How could I know of a pile of medical bills so staggering in their totals that they paralyzed me for months before I could face them?  How could I know trying to navigate this season while still maintaining my teaching job in a high stress environment would suck every last drop of life out of me?  How could I know that just as I was beginning to see the slightest glimpse of my sanity returning, I would find out we were expecting number 2?

That window of time, up until baby number 2’s first birthday, is mostly a fog.  If it weren’t for the miracle of photography, I don’t think I would remember much at all.  To say creativity took a back seat at that point is an understatement.  I wasn’t even thinking about any attempt to be creative; I was just trying to survive.

And to the exhausted new mommy out there, feeling bad because she knows she should keep being creative to be healthy for her children but just can’t even muster an ounce of energy, I want to say, Breathe.  It’s ok.

Your story doesn’t have to be just like mine to be overwhelming and daunting in its own way.  Give yourself time.  You will find your creative self again, and it will be sooner than you think. (Definitely well before your children are grown.)

As I reflected on that season, I was surprised when I realized what my survival mechanisms were.  I read.  While I nursed and later when we switched to bottle feeding, I held my babies and read out loud to them.  Psalms.  Poetry.  Winnie the Pooh books.  Pride & Prejudice.  All that time I was too exhausted, still I kept the words flowing.  Still I kept inspiring things in front of me.  (And added bonus: both of my children love books and words!) 

It wasn’t intentional or strategic; it was my soul’s gut instinct.

Now I have an almost 4 year old and a 2 year old.  I’m still tired, although the fog is lifting!  And I have stumbled onto another surprise.

Children offer a portal into creativity unlike any other you will ever experience. The magic of seeing the world through a child’s eyes will unlock deep places for anyone who will pay attention.  Everything is a marvel and a wonder:

The lone flower on a bush in early spring.

The slight shimmer to a bug’s back or wings (something I had never bothered to notice in my eagerness to see them smashed!).

The song of the wind and how it changes when it blows through different sizes of leaves.

The way you can see the clouds moving if you watch very carefully.

The discovery of a new word and how it feels in your mouth as you say it over and over again.

The sounds of all the musical instruments, their unique shapes and sizes and textures.

Perhaps it is now a rare luxury to hide out in a coffee shop with a good book and a journal.  Perhaps the only way now to get through a good book is to stay up way too late.  Perhaps they sometimes prefer something a little more conducive to a crazy dance party than Debussy and Chopin and Brahms.  Perhaps they prefer the silliness of Jabberwocky and Dr. Seuss over Shakespeare (although really, do we ever outgrow loving Dr. Seuss?).

But one day at a time, I am unlocking this secret: as you seek to nurture creativity in your children, you own creativity will be nurtured as well.  It will change shape.  Some days you will have to fight for it.  And yes, some days it will have to sacrificed in order to take care of their needs.  But it does not have to be lost or buried or shelved.

Breathe, sweet mother.  Embrace the seasons as they come.  Open your heart wide, and let those tiny ones inspire in you a depth of creativity you never knew you had.

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Adela is a wife and mommy learning daily to find the beautiful in the midst of the ordinary. She blogs at adelajust.wordpress.com. 

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