Learning to live

I’m actually feeling rather pleased with myself. Yesterday I spotted the signs of impending crash, and I stepped back, rested, calmed my panicky body. Today I am tired and moving slowly, but am not being crushed to death by depression or shredded by anxiety. This is the first time I’ve both recognised the danger and managed to avert it. I’m aiming to make a habit of this, as it will radically improve the quality of my life, and keep my activities sustainable.

There have been lots of lessons this week. The only answer to fear is to face it, and keep facing it until it has been beaten into submission. Sometimes this results in me getting a further kicking, but just surviving that means something. Every pasting endured is proof of my ability to keep going, and that is enough. Often, just not being totally defeated is all it takes. So long as I can keep going, there is hope. I’ve faced fear repeatedly this week. Yesterday I gave up and took a break, today I was back in there, and it does look like there are whispers of progress on The Canal & River Trust front.

I’ve watched a number of bold ladies on facebook doing amazing things with their diets, fitness activities and lifestyles, and shedding the pounds. My bloke is also making noises that way, although he’s far slimmer than I am. I cycle three miles most days, sometimes more, I get odd days off, I have a passably healthy diet and am smaller than I was a few years ago, but not the shape I want to be. A part of me reads the facebook updates of slimming success and wants to radically cut back on calories and push my body to more activity. The trouble is, I know from bitter experience that leads to chronic physical pain and the kinds of energy lows that put me on the floor and keep me there. I feel like I’m being lazy, letting myself off the hook, but at the same time, I’m learning to listen to the voice of experience. If I tried to lose 8 pounds in a week, I would not be able to do anything. I can be thin, or I can be functional but right now I can’t manage both. I have to settle for the slow size reduction that goes with being functional.

I’ve been reminded of the importance of feeling part of something bigger than me, a place to belong, a community to be part of. Warmth and support from other people has made so much odds. I’ve been reminded also of how important it is not to internalise powerlessness, not to believe those people who have a vested interest in convincing you that you cannot make a difference. I look at the power of people united around causes (The 38 degrees folk are amazing) and I feel hope. There is always hope.

There are so many balances to find – quiet time and busy time, ease and challenge, rest and activity, time to think and time when no thought is called for. I find myself drawn to extremes in all kinds of things, and needing the balance of opposites to keep life viable. There is much to learn.