How to Communicate Better with Your Partner
The best communication between two people isn’t always in what is said, but in how it is said. The tone, gestures, timing, and talk used can bridge a gap to understanding or explode that same bridge into pieces so tiny that nobody will dare try to cross it again. Ever.
If you want to bridge that gap successfully, here are some things to try.
Do Mention what you’d like, don’t focus on what isn’t working. This is one of the many things I’m working on. We have a tendency to express our displeasure first a la: you didn’t wipe off the counters, you forgot to pick up the milk, when you grill the steak for 20 minutes you make jerky. This approach generally just ticks people off. Try saying what you’d like: “if you cook the steak for about 10 minutes, it should be just right,” “I really appreciate it when you wipe off the counters” and “It would be great if you could run out and get the milk.” The clear sentence lets others know what you need, the positive tone helps them to hear it without becoming defensive.
Do make it “we” or “I,” instead of you. When working through a conversation about a tricky topic, it’s easy to get angry or become polarized simply because of the words we choose. Be careful not to put words in other people’s mouths or speak in absolutes with words like never and always. Do express how you feel, take responsibility for your role, and show that you are committed toward working together to improve things by using words like “team,” “we” and “I”.
Phrases like “We can really do this better”. Or, “if we work together I think we’ll both feel better in the relationship” can ease the sore spots without placing blame.
Do ask questions and listen for the answers. So much relationship confusion and hurt is created when people make assumptions or interrupt others. Instead of jumping to conclusions, ask good questions, then get quiet and listen up. Don’t judge what you hear, just listen – you’ll have time to express your feelings about it later, right now if things are messed up, ask your partner how she is feeling and hear what she says.
Ask what he or she thinks would be a good way to work through the difficulty, and again, listen up. Don’t interrupt. Don’t disparage. Don’t judge. Your job here isn’t to determine whether the solutions your partner presents are good or bad or whether they are right or wrong, it’s only to listen and understand how they are feeling. To know what they are worried about. Then, you have good information to work with. That understanding and insight will also lead to greater intimacy in the relationship.
Do put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Ah, the old empathy thing rises up again. But, think about it: if you are going to propose an idea, ask for help, criticize or cajole it’s helpful to consider how your partner will feel about what you are expressing. If you are launching into a monologue about all his shortcomings, that could cause hurt and quickly end the conversation. If what you really want is positive change, then a little empathy will help you bring up the topic in a kinder, gentler way that will result in a positive conversation for the both of you.
Do stop talking. Once you’ve been through it — he’s heard you, you’ve heard him — stop talking. Let things settle a bit. This doesn’t mean ignore the issue at hand or never to bring it up again, but it does mean that after you both have fully expressed your views, it’s o.k. to move on and come back to it at different times down the road.
One of my favorite hobbies is to over talk every little challenge, scenario, plan. I don’t recommend it. When I’m in my talking mode, it only takes a few minutes before my husband zones out, which ticks me off and then communication declines.
Say what you are feeling, listen well to your partner, validate each other’s feelings and then agree to continue the dialogue about the issue in the days and weeks to come. Then take a deep breath and a time out, or offer a hug, or do something else together that allows the intensity to subside and shift. Not everything needs to be solved on the spot. Relationships evolve as does our communication when we are committed to caring for each other and doing it better.
