How to Talk to Each Other

A couple of weeks ago I heard the Dalai Lama speak about how dialogue was the key to peace.

I listened well. I nodded and clapped in agreement. Then, I went out and got in an argument with my husband.

We were trying to communicate about a real issue, my husband and I, but neither of us was listening. We were both talking, sure, but not really to each other. We were staking out our positions, sharing our opinions, fighting to be right, but not communicating in a way that prompted any real interaction or insight. There was no real dialogue going on here. In fact, we got nothing but mad.

Later, when we did slow down and listen better, we understood each other and resolved the matter. Such, is the power of dialogue done well.

What is Dialogue?

Dialogue does not involve telling people anything. It’s an exchange of ideas, a two way conversation that requires both people to share and listen, to ask questions, act with empathy and understanding and to validate each other’s experience. When it’s done right this kind of conversation can be illuminating, intimate and interesting. It certainly can build consensus, make it easier to work through challenges, and foster connection.

But the whole empathy, understanding, listening part, can be downright tricky. You’ve got to try to understand (not agree with) and validate where the other person is coming from even if they are coming from crazy, right?

For example, when I’m trying to explain to my husband why dirty dishes stuck to our counter overnight is akin to moving our family into a fraternity house, the rules of dialogue require him to listen, understand where I’m coming from, and validate with something like this: “I am hearing you say that dirty dishes make you feel as though our home is turning into a fraternity”  all without loud sighs or eye-rolling. See why this stuff can be hard?

Course, this also means that when he is entering into conversation with me, I am not allowed to interrupt. I’ve also learned that it’s best not to laugh sarcastically or say anything that rhymes with “Seriously, what were you thinking?” Even the tone can derail him, you see.

But, in the spirit of His Holiness the Dalai Lama, we’ve been talking and trying out different dialogue tactics around here and honing the skill of give and take in a conversation. While it has challenged us to change some bad communication habits that have sprung up after nearly 11 years of marriage – see the aforementioned interruption and eye-rolling – it has also made it so much easier to deal with our stuff.

We are connecting in a deeper way and getting down to the issue/plan/schedule/ idea that needs discussing without having to wade through the irritation that springs up during a poorly managed conversation. I feel like he’s listening better and I’m more conscious of not filling up the air by over-talking every point.

As you enter into conversation with the people in your life today, become conscious of how you talk to each other. Just pay attention. Are you talking and telling? Or, are you sharing some, listening a lot, and asking good questions to learn more? If you’re operating from the latter, you’re probably having some good dialogue and that, as the Dalai Lama says, is the path to peace in your household and even the world.

In Wednesday’s post I’ll give you some tips to foster better-feeling communication.

 

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