Looking Terrible at Twice the Price
It’s about damn time everyone realized how much Abercrombie & Fitch sucks.
Today, A&F announced sales declining and lower stock prices. The world is blaming this on statements made by CEO, the plastic faced Mike Jeffries, who only wants hot people wearing their clothes, which is why they don’t carry plus sizes.
Well, duh! My weight fluctuates, putting me in a size 6 to 8 depending on season, mood and alcohol consumption level. Regardless of my single digit size, I’ve never been into an Abercrombie & Fitch store. This is for several reasons, and none of them have anything to do with what some overly botoxed asshole says.
Reason one, despite my smaller than average size, nothing makes me feel like a fat cow more than walking past one of their stores. Seriously, they must be carrying negative sizes in there! Usually, I think I look pretty good. But nothing is a kick in my self esteem like walking past a mannequin whose waist is the same diameter as one of my wrists.
Next, their clothes are just plain ugly. Take a look at the below ‘look’ put together by the incredibly discerning fashion staff at A&F.
For the low, low price of $217, you too can look like you just threw on whatever was laying on your floor. Seriously, this is not an outfit that I would spend $200 on. This is an outfit that I would wear on laundry day, if my maternity sweatpants were dirty.
Also, the smell. Here’s a tip A&F, if I can fucking taste your perfume, you’re wearing too damn much. For some reason, the marketers at A&F decided it was a good idea to spray down every inch of the store with cheap cologne. Every time I walk past the store, I have flashbacks to the time I was dating an Italian guy who thought using Ax Body Spray was an excuse not to shower. Again, I’ve never been into an A&F. This is what I smell when I’m walking past the store at the mall. I can only imagine how bad it is inside.
Next, the sales staff. They all have that creepy, heroin chic look that went out in the 90’s and most of them are half fucking naked! How does it make sense to have a half naked person selling clothes? That’s like having an anorexic chef or a blind eye doctor.
Again, I’ve never been into a store. However, if I did go into one, I imagine my conversation with the sales staff would go something like this.
Essa enters Abercrombie & Fitch and looks around nervously. She is immediately spotted by a 19 year old, shirtless Adonis and backs away towards the door, in case she is about to be shooed away for being too fat to shop.
Blond, Shirtless Adonis: (Tossed his hair and gives Essa a disdainful once over) Can I help you with something today?
Essa: (eyes are fixated on his chest) You’re not wearing a shirt.
Blonde Shirtless Adonis: That is correct. Perhaps I can show you something from our ‘Happening Homeless” collection.
Essa: (still completely unable to look up) Why aren’t you wearing a shirt? There are so many shirts here. Don’t you like them?
Blonde, Shirtless Adonis: It’s store policy.
Essa: (Shakes her head) Sorry, it’s just, usually when I’m confronted with a shirtless male, it’s because I’m slipping a $5 into his G String. (Essa averts her eyes) Can you put something on please? It’s very distracting.
Blonde, Shirtless Adonis: Sorry, but I have to stay this way. Our CEO is afraid that if women actually start paying attention to the clothes they buy here, they’ll realize how shitty they are.
Essa: (nods dumbly. The cologne and shirtless man are starting to get to her. The music is pounding and she’s starting to feel very, very stupid) Good point. I would like to spend a lot of money on something that looks like I got it at Goodwill. Do you guys sell anything like that?
Blonde, Shirtless Adonis: (He gives Essa another disdainful once over) Yes, but I have to warn you, we don’t sell plus sizes.
Abercrombie & Fitch had one thing going for them before this incident. Sensory overload. You would go into the store and be confronted with cloying cologne, loud pumping music, and freakishly beautiful people. With all these things combined, you were numbed enough to buy a piece of shit, torn shirt that cost 40 cents to make and $89.99 to buy.
The CEO made a mistake. Not just because he pissed off the plus sized, who make up the majority of the buying public, but because he shined a spotlight on the terrible clothes. Without the loud pumping music and distracting salespeople, most shoppers are noticing that many of Abercrombie & Fitch’s selections look dangerously similar to the Jacqueline Smith collection at WalMart.
I’ve noticed that for years, because I’ve always been on the outside looking in. But now, everyone else has noticed it as well and its only a matter of time before Abercrombie & Fitch becomes a distant, painful memory.
And I’ll be able to walk through the mall without having a damn allergy attack.
