On Parenting

(With apologies to Stephen King for the title - if you ever need to read a book about how to get into writing / publishing, I recommend On Writing). Now, onto parenting, which is the reason I'm here. I have two unbelievably awesome children, who are just two (E, a boy)and nearly five (A, a girl). I spent four nights of the first week of E's life in a hotel 200 miles away, working flat out to service a contract, while my wife did the Stay At Home Mum thing (actually maternity leave, but you get the idea). Fast forward two years and, for various reasons the roles have now reversed. As of October 2012, I am the Stay At Home Dad and my long-suffering wife is working full-time. So, I think we are one of the few couples around who have first-hand experience of the difficulties that most working couples with young children face. Now firstly, I should say that we are by no means perfect - I annoy the hell out of my wife and (very occasionally) she has been known to say stupid things too. However, through luck and circumstance we now have a bit of an insight into what each person is going through. Here are my thoughts about each of the roles: 1. Primary / sole working parent. (Pressure, resentment, feeling left out). The maternal / paternal instinct to protect your new family pushes you hard - couple this with the lonely island that is being the sole breadwinner and it is no wonder that new fathers look so strung out (for a moan about how it is still mainly fathers in this position, see one of my future blogs). I had it particularly bad, as I was working on contract - so there was a finite time before the contract was over and I had to find another one. You're striving to reliably keep the family afloat and there are outside pressures conspiring against you. Not a pleasant place to be. Coupled with this, your partner, who had always been your equal career-wise, suddenly changes her perspective and focuses on baby and social stuff that don't mesh with your mindset of 'must keep working hard / not get fired / not screw up'. This pressure doesn't help when you do finally get home and she wants to share the new things that your child has done THAT YOU'VE MISSED BECAUSE YOU WERE IN A PROJECT PLANNING MEETING 200 MILES AWAY. She gets upset because she thinks you don't care, whereas the reality is you're hating your job more and more because she gets to spend all the time with the kids and gets to see all those cool things they do for the first time. This eats away at both of you and it drives a wedge between you. 2. Primary / sole Stay At Home parent. (Not contributing financially, jealous of partner's career (especially when he/she comes home and rabbits on about their day and all you've achieved is to remove most of the playdough mess from the front of a school sweater), worried about the break affecting your career). I'd no idea what people who give up a decent career to become full-time parents go through emotionally. There is the huge positive lift of spending lots of time with the kids, but it comes at a very high cost - one that isn't immediately apparent. We decided together that I'd spend a short period of time (6-12 months), being the primary Stay At Home parent. Until then, I'd been on a reasonably strong career trajectory, making a reasonable living from an industry that I'd kind of fallen into when I left Uni. Suddenly, I find myself with zero income, dependent upon my wife for everything. She's been amazing at handling what has turned me into a moody sod, but it really changes the dynamic. I find myself deferring to her for decisions far more, not because I can't make those decisions, but because it feels like it is her money. Not good for the self-esteem at all and it makes you nervous, uncertain and vulnerable. Also, because your partner is working flat out, when they do get home at night or at the weekend, they don't provide the help you need with the kids - not because they don't want to but because they're deferring to your greater experience with the childcare. This eats away at both of you and it drives a wedge between you. So why am I blogging about this? Well, I've seen some of my friends try to get through this time of life and not manage it, or put so much strain on the relationship that it is never quite the same. Mostly, I think this is because people can't put themselves in their partner's shoes and realise what their opposite number is feeling. We have both been amazingly lucky to have experienced both sides and it gives that empathy that allows us to defuse situations before they become terminal. Hopefully, I've tried to lay out what I feel / have felt over the last couple of years, and it might (possibly) be the trigger for someone in a similar situation to aid this tough time.