On parenting 2
Continued from previous blog post (which I split into two as the formatting went to pieces)
2. Primary / sole Stay At Home parent. (Not contributing financially, jealous of partner's career (especially when he/she comes home and rabbits on about their day and all you've achieved is to remove most of the playdough mess from the front of a school sweater), worried about the break affecting your career). I'd no idea what people who give up a decent career to become full-time parents go through emotionally. There is the huge positive lift of spending lots of time with the kids, but it comes at a very high cost - one that isn't immediately apparent. We decided together that I'd spend a short period of time (6-12 months), being the primary Stay At Home parent. Until then, I'd been on a reasonably strong career trajectory, making a reasonable living from an industry that I'd kind of fallen into when I left Uni.
Suddenly, I find myself with zero income, dependent upon my wife for everything. She's been amazing at handling what has turned me into a moody sod, but it really changes the dynamic. I find myself deferring to her for decisions far more, not because I can't make those decisions, but because it feels like it is her money. Not good for the self-esteem at all and it makes you nervous, uncertain and vulnerable.
Also, because your partner is working flat out, when they do get home at night or at the weekend, they don't provide the help you need with the kids - not because they don't want to but because they're deferring to your greater experience with the childcare. This eats away at both of you and it drives a wedge between you.
So why am I blogging about this? Well, I've seen some of my friends try to get through this time of life and not manage it, or put so much strain on the relationship that it is never quite the same. Mostly, I think this is because people can't put themselves in their partner's shoes and realise what their opposite number is feeling. We have both been amazingly lucky to have experienced both sides and it has given us empathy which has allowed us to defuse situations before they become terminal.
Hopefully, I've tried to lay out what I feel / have felt over the last couple of years, and it might (possibly) be the trigger for someone in a similar situation to aid this tough time.
2. Primary / sole Stay At Home parent. (Not contributing financially, jealous of partner's career (especially when he/she comes home and rabbits on about their day and all you've achieved is to remove most of the playdough mess from the front of a school sweater), worried about the break affecting your career). I'd no idea what people who give up a decent career to become full-time parents go through emotionally. There is the huge positive lift of spending lots of time with the kids, but it comes at a very high cost - one that isn't immediately apparent. We decided together that I'd spend a short period of time (6-12 months), being the primary Stay At Home parent. Until then, I'd been on a reasonably strong career trajectory, making a reasonable living from an industry that I'd kind of fallen into when I left Uni.
Suddenly, I find myself with zero income, dependent upon my wife for everything. She's been amazing at handling what has turned me into a moody sod, but it really changes the dynamic. I find myself deferring to her for decisions far more, not because I can't make those decisions, but because it feels like it is her money. Not good for the self-esteem at all and it makes you nervous, uncertain and vulnerable.
Also, because your partner is working flat out, when they do get home at night or at the weekend, they don't provide the help you need with the kids - not because they don't want to but because they're deferring to your greater experience with the childcare. This eats away at both of you and it drives a wedge between you.
So why am I blogging about this? Well, I've seen some of my friends try to get through this time of life and not manage it, or put so much strain on the relationship that it is never quite the same. Mostly, I think this is because people can't put themselves in their partner's shoes and realise what their opposite number is feeling. We have both been amazingly lucky to have experienced both sides and it has given us empathy which has allowed us to defuse situations before they become terminal.
Hopefully, I've tried to lay out what I feel / have felt over the last couple of years, and it might (possibly) be the trigger for someone in a similar situation to aid this tough time.
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