The Cone of Shame–Not Just for Pets Anymore

Pippa Dog is plotting our deaths…

The past week and a half has been…interesting. I was completely off last week, so messed up that I woke up Saturday morning, believing it was Friday. The super funny lady Leanne Shirtliffe, who was supposed to be my FRIDAY guest post, was probably all WTH? when I wrote about wanting a DeLorean so I could go back in time and kick my own @$$ for being stupid instead of posting her seriously funny guest piece and talking about her on-line humor-writing class (still open, btw).

Hmmm, a bit prophetic. And, Leanne’s post? Humor is Everywhere? Doubly prophetic?

So Friday Saturday, I stagger out of bed, exhausted (we’d been passing around a toddler stomach bug for the previous week) and I drink three cups of coffee just to be able to SEE straight.

Being the AWESOME, sweet, loving, and humble wife I am, I let my husband sleep in and kept The Spawn quiet while I posted my Friday Apparently SATURDAY Funny guest blog. I then made The Spawn’s lunch and took him to school.

I get to the school, but the parking lot’s empty. WTH? No one was there but the landscaper who probably wanted to know why this weird woman was yelling at the locked door. I totally thought the school had just invented some new holiday to keep my kid home and under my feet.

Was it Spring Goddess Day? Freyja Day? Gerald Ford Day? The Teachers are Burned Out and Suicidal So They Need a Freaking Day OFF Before They Duct Tape Your Kid to a Wall Day?

Irritated, I drove home. Hubby staggers out of bed and asked where I went. I fume, indignant that my husband didn’t tell me there was a school holiday and that I took The Spawn to school and they really send home too much paperwork because I didn’t SEE there was a holiday and why the heck do they need so many holidays?

Then Hubby tells me it is Saturday.

NO! I say. It is TOTALLY FRIDAY. I’ll prove it. So I rush to my laptop to pull up my iCal because I trust Apple WAY more than my husband…and I blink. My mind can’t process this.

OH DEAR GOD IT IS SATURDAY!!!! I TOOK MY KID TO SCHOOL ON SATURDAY AND I POSTED A BLOG AND MY FOLLOWERS ARE GOING TO BE ALL…WTH? NOW SHE’S BLOGGING SATURDAY, TOO?????

Did my husband hug me? Console me? Tell me that I was wonderful, generous and kind for letting him sleep?

O_o

NO.

Howling with laughter, he points and says, “You even made his lunch and EVERYTHING!!!!!”

The sudden urge to stab Hubby with a lemon zester was a big clue I needed more sleep. I did some writing then took a super-long nap that resembled a coma more than a nap. Sunday? Rest. Played video games. Ate dinner at my mom’s, so didn’t even cook.

I was SET for the new week.

Monday morning, I take Pippa to be spayed and get her shots. I pick her up. I have a very efficient day. Yesterday? Busy multi-tasking cleaning the kitchen while packing The Spawn’s lunch and telling him 1000 times I will NOT play the NASCAR race AGAIN.

****My son needs a 12 step program for car racing. He DOES NOT get that from my side.

In the midst of all this? I make sure to put Pippa’s pain medication away before it gets lost.

Two hours later? Guess what I can’t find? I tear the house apart. Certain I must have thrown it away, I go through the seriously disgusting trash (had cleaned out the fridge *shivers*). Finally, I call the vet and beg them to believe that I am not mainlining my dog’s medication and please, please, please can we buy more?

Hubby, being awesome, goes and gets her medicine. He comes home with The Spawn…and guess what he finds sitting at my computer?

*head desk*

I feel like I just want to hit CNTRL + ALT +DELETE and reboot. So, of course, my husband spends all yesterday mocking my pain…AGAIN.

This morning? Guess what we wake up to? NO INTERNET. Hubby forgot to pay the AT&T bill, even though his humble, sweet, cute, adorable, helpful, and humble wife brought him the bill with the debit card A WEEK AGO and sweetly reminded him.

So this morning, we’ve been discussing The Parable of the King Who Forgot to Pay the Internet Bill and All the Kingdom was Super Sad. There was great gnashing of teeth and the townspeople, justifiably distraught because there was no Facebook access and their blogs would be posted LATE, wanted to stone the King for being so absent-minded…

…until his kind, loving, and humble wife begged they give him mercy and placated them with chocolate.

Cuz she’s awesome…and humble .

And the moral of the story was the king needed to listen to his wife…and tell her she was pretty…and NOT make fun of her for taking their toddler to Kingdom Nursery School on Saturday and then later losing the Royal Dog’s medicine…and then tell her she’s pretty.

Anyway, yeah….

All I have to say is that Pippa isn’t the only one in need of a Cone of Shame this past week. Have you ever had days like that? Where you just want to go back to bed and try again? Have you ever done something really dumb, like take your pet’s medication? Put your keys in the freezer? Lose your car?

I LOVE hearing from you guys!

To prove it and show my love, for the month of April, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. If you leave a comment, and link back to my blog, and mention my book We Are Not Alone in your blog…you get your name in the hat THREE times. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly.

I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less) .

And also, winners have a limited time to claim the prize, because what’s happening is there are actually quite a few people who never claim the critique, so I never know if the spam folder ate it or to look for it and then people miss out. I will also give my corporate e-mail to insure we connect and I will only have a week to return the 20 page edit.

At the end of April I will pick a winner for the monthly prize. Good luck!