One Writer's Dilemma: How I lost my Mojo

 So I did this crazy thing a few weeks ago: I self-published my first novel. 
Why did I self-pub?Because after weeks and months of querying and playing the waiting games and reading rejection letters while everyone who read it (yes, there were people I don't know who read it) said they loved the book, I gave up on the traditional publishing game.It's not like I jumped-the-shark.
I thought about it for a long time.
I study things before I dive in. I study them hard.I read, I watch, I listen.And you know what I've seen: The gigantic shift to the digital world.When I saw more and more agents self-publishing their own works, when I read what's on Amazon's top100 list, when I read the last novel touted as "The Next Bestseller," 
I knew I had to try the self-publish route.So I did it. And I was happy to finally get my work out there.I was excited to see how many people bought the book.I was happy to hear how excited my family and friends and co-workers were. (mostly because I never told any of them I wrote books in my spare time.)


And then it hit... the anxietythe nervousnessthe feeling of wanting to vomit everything I atethe checking of my salesthe checking of my Amazon reviews 76 times a daythe hanging off of every-last word a reviewer wrotethe feelings of guilt and failure for letting my readers down because I couldn't afford an editorthe judgementsthe bullyingthe constant feeling that I needed to get up on my "social media platform" and say something to defend myself so I didn't look like a fake and a loser.
And the worst thing that happened: I've barely written two paragraphs these past few weeks.


So I started doubting myself, 
I started doubting my work, 
I started regretting that I had even started writing again.
People told me to calm downto relax
and I did with a few bottles of wine and some Captain Morgan's
I tried to relax and read some books.





And you know what I saw in the middle of reading Neil Gaiman's American Gods?  At least 15 errors...

 Did I jump on Amazon and write about it? Did I send him a Twitter and tell him? Did I send him a personal e-mail? Did I change my impression of his novel from a 5-star read to a 1-star? 



No!Because other than a few punctuation errors (even with a traditional publisher) it's a great fucking book. It's well written and entertaining. 

I started criticizing everything I was reading.
Heck, I even noticed the President of the United States has crappy grammar.
I felt myself turning into some judgmental, bitter person. 
And that's not me.



And so I remember that's why I read so much. For entertainment. I don't read to rip someone's work apart. If it's not for me I move on.
 
I made my credentials clear on my author profile and everywhere I write.Let me repeat them here:I have a B.S in Biochemistry and an A.A.S in Nursing

 I do not have a degree in Literature. I am not an English teacher. I am not Shakespeare.
I am not Ernest Hemingway.
You want to know  how I received my High-Honor Roll grades for in English class? It wasn't for my excellence in grammar... it was for my effort.
Yes, I got an A for effort.  Not an A for being an asshole to other people.



 So I apologize if the few grammar and punctuation errors are causing anyone severe distress.If you are reading this and thinking to yourself, "What a dumb-ass, she should get an editor, her book sucks monkey-balls," I suggest you swing on over to Matthew Mather's website and take a look at his post: "In defense of my “indie” brothers and sisters." 




(And then go screw yourself douchelord.  You got my book for FREE or $2.99. And if you went-all-in and bought the paperback, I make no profit off the paperback. I set the price low for a reason. I know there are a few errors.  So if you don't like it, burn it.)
Oh shit... How did that get in there? 
Must be my split-personality.


Since I really want to start writing again and finding joy in it like I used to I've made a promise to myself and my husband (who's ready to send me to the nut-house) 
I'm done checking reviews. 
I'm tired of constantly feeling like vomiting or the need to damage my liver.
I'm not sure I'll look at my Amazon page again. 

So if you're the grammar police don't read my books until I can afford an editor.

And if you're a fan I can promise you the next book is even better than the first. 

Or at least that's what all my beta-readers have said.



And if you can get past the few errors you're like the most amazing person in the world.
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Suggestion of the day: Invest in a Unicorn. I hear they make great pets. I hear they write with perfect grammar. I hear they can edit like the NY Times. I hear they can help any douche-lord's cold-dead heart beat again.