How To Pick Up Chicks in 110 EZ Steps

I’ve been meeting a lot of people who wonder, “What’s the best way to pick up chicks?” I figured I’d break it down into simple steps. They don’t have to be followed exactly, but, they’ll probably help you on your quest.

Get born
Chicks love babies
Just be a baby as long as you can
Resist growing any bigger than a baby and thus becoming a toddler
When you’re six years old, you’ll have to start devolving some hobbies to show chicks that you’re interesting
Don’t eat paste
Read a lot.
Read good shit, like Thomas the Train and the Phantom Tollbooth
Don’t pretend to be a dinosaur when they’re around. Unless they’re into that.
Start slicking your hair back
None of the other six year olds will be slicking their hair back yet, it’ll give you an edge
Probably don’t peg any girls in the face with rocks on the playground
Also, don’t rip their pigtails out
so now you’re out of grammar school
congratulations
Now that you’re ten years old, get a car (yes, you’re 10 years old, I understand)
Get a car
all the other kids will ride the school bus to school or ride their BMXs, get a car
probably a Transam
It doesn’t matter if you can’t see over the steering wheel
crash the Transam
get a badass scar
a face scar
now you’re eleven years old and have a legend that’ll surround you
You’ll be popular
Make friends
Make friends
But only with other kids who have good looking chick sisters
Wear fancy shoes, shiny ones. Nicer than your dads.
Wear a suit everyday
Don’t bother with a tie
Graduate middle shcool at the top of your class
Or get into a fight with the principal on the last day of school and spend the summer in juvenile detention.
Learn French
just kidding, that doesn’t work
Brush your teeth
So now you’re in highschool, stay in there and learn
If your Sex Ed teacher is sexy you’ll want to try and lose your virginity with them if you haven’t already
Hang cool pictures in your locker of you climbing mountains
flying on the back of golden eagles
wrestling bears
all that crap
When you see a chick you sweat, wink at her
don’t do that quickdraw thing with the pistols. They think that’s lame.
forget pickup lines
ask questions
ask her more questions
this is important
no talky: no nookie
find one that makes you laugh
make her laugh too
if she’s not interesting you’ll never get bored. If she’s not interesting don’t bother trying to pick her up.
a new direction: take a high dollar prostitute to the homecoming dance
take a girl to the prom who couldn’t get a date: it’s just the right thing to do
have a high dollar prostitute waiting for the both of you in the motel room after prom, surprise!
don’t take your dates to the movies
or museums
Take them on acid trips
Graduate high school, but don’t go to the graduation. There’s no opportunities for meeting chicks there.
Go to college
major in smooching and not telling
for more college info see: Animal House
see The Graduate
see: Ernest Goes to College
see: Back to School with Rodney Dangerfield
After college, get a nice place of your own far enough away from the train tracks and the corner where people get shot, but close enough that you can walk to get your drugs
have a pet alligator
have a house where every wall is a tropical fish tank
Tell girls you’re in Metallica
if they say, “Metallica sucks,” you say, “I know that’s why I’m quitting the band today.”
get good at back rubs
get some kind of fancy back rub certification
don’t tell anyone about the certificate let the back rub myth travel by way of whispers in the shadows
get some facial hair
you’ll either look better or worse
If you look worse, cut it off
listen as the chicks say, “you look better!”
Remember how much chicks loved you when you were a baby?
Become a baby again. Find Zoltar.
Or steal a baby
Don’t make a baby
That means no more chicks
Get a heart shaped hot tub
A red race car of some kind with a moonroof
A guitar signed by Eddie Van Halen
A fur coat made from those arctic wolves that rock
Carry a suitcase full of your money handcuffed to your wrist
Buy the Godfather trilogy on DVD
Use Godfather 3 as a coaster
Chicks dig that
Also: if they ask you if you’ve read a certain book, say “No, I wrote that under a pen name”
Concentrate on your career
By that I mean concentrate on not having one. It interferes with picking up chicks.
Be rich
How do I get rich?
That’s another step by step list for another time.
When you hit middle age, start to talk with a British accent
If you’re British start communicating with sign language
If you’re deaf, you already get all the chicks
When you hit 56, you better put in an ANOTHER in ground pool. Each year add ANOTHER in ground pool. Until you hit 75. Then, just chill.
As you get older, walk with a cane with a very large jewel on top
Wear an Indiana Jones hat
Tip your hat at all the ladies
don’t talk about the old days
have fun at all costs
always be kind and patient and caring
if somebody looks like they need help, help them
At 100 years of age, settle down from the dating circuit
Ask your best gal to go steady
Pass away in your sleep on a warm spring afternoon on a hammock by the river.