Writing A Novel From Start to Finish (in steps)

I’ve been meeting a lot of people who wonder, “How is a novel written, what is involved?” I figured I’d break it down into simple steps. They don’t have to be followed exactly, but, they’ll probably help you on your quest.

the idea (get the idea)
make sure it’s a stupid idea that nobody has used yet
add some sex
add some more sex
make it three-way sex of some kind
don’t focus on the plot, focus on the main character’s dick and what the main character’s dick wants from the world
If it’s a lady protagonist, concentrate on her pussy and what it wants from the world (or to give the world … ie, babies, nothing, copulation, ect.)
draft out a scene
draft out another
throw them away
ditch your sex obsessed characters
think of ones that want something from life other than mindless bang action
write another scene. save this one. hold into it til the revision process (six years from now)(throw it away then)
in the first chapter, make your character do something heroic if he/she is an unlikeable character, or something unlikeable if he is a hero. Make him/her more complex
how?
I dunno, have them save a fucking cat from a tree …
or have them throw a cat into a tree (see 14)
while you draft out the beginning stages of your novel, keep the tension high. In all sex scenes don’t use lube. But it’s more than that! Add fights, terse dialogue, arguments, mistakes. These things keep the reader interested.
Give your writing odd details
avoid the “info dump”
that means, don’t tell me everything about the characters right away. Practice the slow reveal
reveal as much about your characters through dialouge as you can
do the same with the plot
at this point, whatever your plot is, make it simpler and stupider
congratulations, you are halfway done with your draft!
how? That was quick?
it doesn’t take as long as you think it will.
keep a notebook by your bed. carry a notebook with you wherever you go. take notes on your cellphone. Or, if you really wanna be productive, write on your cellphone with your thumbs.
the middle of your book sucks
you wanna stop
you don’t. you keep going because Bud Smith says, “YOU CAN FIX IT LATER”
your characters have nothing to do
what do I do? My characters are bored …
send them to the zoo. Have one fuck a lion. Have another one get eaten by a bear. Have one start working at the zoo at the balloon stand. Change your main character into a penguin for awhile.
why?
Penguin is a great publishing house and maybe the main character being a penguin will help you get published there
it rains, you get drunk
you skip out on work
you don’t write for three weeks
you make a small note on the back of a business card that says, “I need an MFA”
A friend calls you up and asks you if you wanna trip
you trip. shrooms soaked in boiling water with green tea bags and lemon. Also, mint.
later that night, laying in bed, you can’t sleep. You think about your novel. You decide to get rid of the zoo scene
the new draft has a car chase
the new draft has a fist fight between a brother and a sister. He loses a tooth. A very valuable ring of hers get’s swallowed by a penguin.
get rid of the fucking penguin
whatever
raise the tension
3/4 of the way through the book don’t even think about adding a dream sequence
also, don’t even think about setting up a twist ending
fuck your twist ending idea
whatever your conflict is, make it more badass
start to worry that your book is too crazy
make it crazier
draft out the conclusion
it’s perfect, you say!
tear it up
rewrite it
excellent!
wait a year
write another thirty pages after the “old ending”
SUBMIT!
SEND EVERYWHERE
don’t bother to learn how to query correctly
send a random letter to every agent in the world full of tangents and a bio that makes no sense and says nothing about who you are
get rejections
get a million more rejections
get one rejection that says, “run spell check on your query letter”
another that says, “for your benefit, please check out QUERY SHARK to learn how to write a proper query letter”
you actually take both of those critiques as legitimate advice.
you fix your shit
it takes another two years
you send out a great query
AN AGENT or SMALL INDIE HOUSE wants PAGES
40 pages please, double spaced … 12 point times, contact info, bio, page numbers
you send it out that night
your manuscript has not been edited
so you never hear from anyone
ever
the rest of your life
a year later, you say, “Maybe I should spell check my novel …”
you do that
then you say, “what the fuck, maybe I’ll even proofread it.”
How though?
Ok, it’s easy
first take the word doc, make the font 18 instead of 12, make the line spacing 1.5 instead of one. Start at the beginning. Delete all the parts that annoy you.
Remove the unnecessary ands and ors and buts
do this all the way to the end
fix your dialogue by reading it out loud
fix your punctuation like you’ll die if it’s wrong
this part is important: PRINT YOUR NOVEL OUT
make a dummy proof on a website like Createspace
export the word doc as a PDF, upload
make yourself a cool book cover with a simple program
It’ll cost you three dollars to order a dummy proof for yourself
$3!!!!
Yeah, unbelievable right?
The proof comes. It looks all fucked up. Cover is stupid. The inside is hard to read, make notes about the text spacing, the layout, the overall look of your book
try Georgia font 11 for a 6 x 9 book. 1 inch margins whereabouts. 1.1 line spacing. 1.2 is even better
drink all the alcohol in your house
get fucked a couple times
refreshed, dig into the book, sober
SOBER
STAY SOBER
OK?
get a highlighter
as you read your dummy proof highlight a shit ton of it
you will find an amazing amount of mistakes, missing words, typos, crap sentences … all that shit
if your original idea was stupid enough
if your characters have enough life
if your plot is about life
if there is a change
if there is a fight to the death
if there is mind blowing sex
if there is friction and intrigue and tension and blood
your manuscript will be salvageable
salvageable
yes … you’re dummy draft is 83,000 words, with the highlighter and a blue ball point pen you will strip 32,000 words
why?
the part with the goddamned penguin. The fucking dream sequences. The twist ending.  The part where no one was fighting or fucking or slowly revealing the plot and changing as a result, YOU HAVE TO TAKE ALL THAT OUT
You whimper
You remove those things, though it kills you
you add more references to the real world
your own memories
your fears
you put your favorite songs in there
you get your characters trashed
you set things on fire
you blow things up
you make everything more ridiculous
you make everything matter MORE
you add a moment of unexpected tenderness
soft things
sharp things
there are three dimensions, maybe more
in a separate word file, you start to write these things down
it comes real easy, you’re surprised
you feel drunk
you sweat a lot
it’s 4 am and you’re still writing
two months later, “finished”, you order a new dummy proof.
this one is 90% to your liking
you decide to give six copies away to people who you think will give you an honest opinion
no one even reads it
you try to find an editor from among your online friends
you can’t find anyone to edit it for you
you consider freelance editing services
you note that it’s $1000 dollars, you cry
so, you start to write another book …
but, a year later, you do go back to the penguin manuscript
you start to edit it yourself
really edit it
it sucks
it’s the worst thing you’ve ever had to do
but you stick with it
it takes three months, but you actually copy edit you’re own book
you’re so proud!
you send it out for consideration at a house that you respect
you get a rejection that says, “It will benefit you to have your work copy edited. The wiring here is very rough. Not to mention that the part about throwing a cat into a tree was very cruel.”
lose the cat part
find a writer who you admire
make sure they like you too
swap manuscripts with them
you edit  theirs
they edit yours
go chapter for chapter
when it’s ALL done, fuck their brains out
they are awesome
you are awesome
SEND YOUR FINAL DRAFT OUT TO A VERY SMALL PUBLISHING HOUSE
They accept it!
Reject them!
Send it somewhere better
They reject you
send out a zillion more queries
talk to everyone
make yourself a blog
get a twitter
go to parties
go to readings
read your fucking work
extend your bio
write short stories
BUT I’M A NOVELIST
fuck you, idiot
write short stories, get them ran at literary websites you like
make friends with people who are cool
buy them beers
go see rock concerts with them
submit some poems to cool lit sites
BUT I’M NOT A POET
you’re a writer, write some poems, asshole
go perform your work. DO READINGS.
NO!
YES! DO READINGS
get in zines. get in newspapers, get in everything
write everyday
write every night
write while you sleep
edit, edit, edit
one day you get a request, WE WANT PAGES
you send pages
they say, we wanna see more
you die from excitement
but you did all the work, you spent your time crawling up from the underground. You learned on the way up. You were full of doubt and misery and pain, but THEY WANT A FULL MANUSCRIPT
you cross your fingers, you send it out
you wait
they like it!
they want it!
they want you to change a lot of things
like what?
well .. it needs more tension and more sex and a love triangle and it needs spies and vampires and magic
No problem
tell them yes
but what you mean is, “fuck off”
work on your revisions
work on your rewrites
miss your deadline
miss the next one too
send them “not what they wanted”
listen to them say, “PERFECT!” as if their suggestions weren’t even uttered.
the copy editing begins with an outside editor
you get a proof with almost every single word changed
you reject every single correction
the copy editor feels slighted
fuck the copy editor
your book comes out!
it doesn’t change your life
you don’t make that much money
but …
you have fun at the release party
you avoid all the reviews
you take your significant other to a seaside town and rent a room by the ocean. You buy $200 worth of average weed. You smoke it all. Laugh your asses off, screw in the hot tub, though it’s really difficult (not like the movies)
your partner says, “What’s next? You gonna write another book?”
you say, “No.”
You’re done
it was the hardest and most draining thing that you’ve ever attempted
the payout wasn’t worth it
you’ve gained 36 pounds
you haven’t played the guitar in three years
“So what are you gonna do with all your free time now?”
you say, “come over here and kiss me deep.”
and that’s it
for awhile
just for awhile