How to Write a Book Blurb Like the Professional Reviewers!

Welcome to Advanced Literary Criticism!
by me, Nenia Campbell

Is anyone else tired of seeing those review snippets about a book that really don't do anything to tell you what the book is about or whether it's actually good?

Yeah. Me, too.

However, in case you ever want to know how to do it on your own, I'm going to teach you how in three simple steps! By the end of this lesson, you'll be able to write just as good* as the New York Times' columnists!

All you need is:
An ADVERB
An ADJECTIVE
and a GENERIC OPINION (the more redundant the better)

Examples:
Relentlessly original! There's nothing else out there like it! Except, of course, for all those rip-offs that are exactly like it!

Genius homage...excellently done! Like reading fanfiction, or work by a top-notch plagiarist! Great job writing just like somebody else!

Savagely unique! Like wearing a bikini made out of fur! I didn't read this book! Look at my creative analogies!

Fiercely blunt! Says "fuck you!" with a smile and a wave! Main protagonist is a hilariously heinous bitch you'll probably hate!

Mischievously clever! The laughs sneak up on you and bash out your brains, just like a violent burglar! Invest in some seltzer water! It's best for removing blood stains!

Seductively cinematic! Almost--but not quite--as good as watching actual porn!

Daring, adventurously sexy fun! This book is about fuck-all but it's got lots of swearwords and makes oblique references to sex! The scandal!

Dark, edgy, romantic...psychologically intense! Fucks with your head like an abusive boyfriend, which is most likely what this book is about!

Adverb adjective! Adjective adjective! Ellipses! Adjective! EXCLAMATION POINTS!!! PUDDING!!!!!!!

This concludes our lesson for Advanced Literary Criticism 101.