Grown-Up Twist

“We never grow out of elementary and high school, we just put a grown-up twist to it.” –words from a friend.

In elementary school, we switcheroo our best friends for the more popular one, the prettier one, the one who will befriend us if we just let them copy our homework, the one who will invite us to Disneyland.

In high school, does it really get any better? I think we get more sophisticated, like Fontaine’s friends, Zephine and Dahlia, “Whom chance had endowed with a kind of beauty that was heightened and perfected by contrast, kept together through the instinct of coquetry still more than friendship.” (Les Misérables, Victor Hugo, p 125). We befriend someone because they make us look good. I remember noticing how people looked at me when I walked into a restaurant with my fair cousin beside me. We were a nice foil, light and dark, brunette and blonde, creamy fair and creamy olive skin.  We had power that summer.

As an adult I know women who are relieved about their trip to the Caribbean because their friends will all be heavier than they are. At least they won’t feel like the fattest woman around.

We just put a grown-up twist to it. We use our friends to look a little better than we are.  We use our friends without being aware of what our friends need.

We drop our friends when they bore us, or start making us look bad.

In high school, I remember the challenge of befriending the loner? Why invite the exchange student to eat lunch with us? Why listen to my friend monologue when excitement is around the corner with a simple drop of this one and taking up with a new friend?

In churches, the same problem exists.  Many Christians are friends with the people who go to their church out of convenience than out of desire. If you don’t believe me, try skipping Sunday services for several months and see how many people initiate getting together. If you see them I can almost guarantee what you’ll hear, “Oh, I’ve missed seeing you,”which usually means come back to Sunday services not, “Let me call you so we can have you guys over for dinner and we can catch up.”

Most of us know we have friends of convenience, friends we use and discard when they no longer seem useful to us.

We don’t stick with them like Jesus stuck with his friends even while he knew they would fall asleep in Gethsemane, when he needed them the most.

Let me point out five ways we put a grown-up twist to insincerity:

“I’m just being honest.”  This is often a prelude or an excuse for being unkind, for speaking our mind without enough evidence, prayer, counsel or sensitivity.  If you’re a Christian you may couple this with “Wounds of a friend are more faithful than kisses from an enemy” and then proceed to wound your friend (Prov 27:6). Watch for it and its behind the back variation: “I love her to death but . . .
“I can’t tell her that.” If you’re telling someone else about a problem with your friend then it’s a big deal.  This line is usually an excuse for not bringing your full self to the friendship. It’s also an alarm bell that you lack courage or this friend is not safe. Either way it’s revealing. It most often means you have built-in limits as far as closeness in the future.
“We should totally get together.” Granted this could be the kindest sentence you could utter, if you mean it. But add a note of insincerity and the same words mask a lack of intention or interest. Unless it’s followed with action this sentence usually means “I feel bad I haven’t returned your interest in getting together so I’ll say this hoping it will assuage any bad feelings.”
“You’ll be okay.” This is an innocuous sounding statement, but most of the time when women (or men) say this it means, “I’m done listening to you and I want you to be okay.” It ends honesty and vulnerability and does the opposite of what it promises.
“I’m praying for you.” Okay, most of us are guilty on this one.  Here’s a tip, instead of offering ask your friend for how they’re praying about this. Type yourself an email with this request and print the email to use to guide your prayers. Or set an alarm to pray for them the next morning or evening.

Many of the insincere things we say grow from a place of duplicity. We are wanting to be more ourselves with our friends, we are wanting to be more honest when with acquaintances. But we don’t know how.

I’d love to hear more examples. What ways to you hear or say things without really meaning it?

A few from my tweeps: “Of course I don’t mind” (@Heatherleithal), “Oh, hi! It’s so good to see you.” (@Atticusshires), “It’s nothing. Really” (@ErinRatigan) and my favorite ”

If you’re finding yourself lost for tools to know how to slowly back away from a friendship, check out: Slimming Down on Friends and The Guilting Friend. If you’re wanting to be more free to find friends who fit and will stick with you, take a look at Women Who Stay Home Friday Night and other marks of good friends.

– originally posted at ArtofFriendship where I co-write with one of my closest friends, Dr. Sal.