Real Publishing...Really!

As I worked on my next book, the old book ("Abigail Dare") called to me, a shrill harpie demanding corrections and rewrites and second editions. Ahh, the joys of self-publishing.

I officially finished the new book "Dream Talker" in February 2012. Searching for an editor, I had the great good fortune of finding ten. The eighth draft was ready to go to press in July.

Then I paid for a critique from Barbara Rogan. "Good first draft," she said. Heartless...oh, and she's been right so far.

She actually bought a copy of "Abigail Dare" to read and review. I was expecting a scene from "Christmas Story" (A plus plus plus plus plus). Instead, all I heard was the thud of the book hitting the back of the waste basket. (Barbara - if I'm wrong, I shouldn't be)

A rewrite of "Abigail Dare" was in order. As long as I was at it, I sliced and diced four of my favorite short stories and rearranged them into a small compendium. Having put it off for two months, I went back to work on "Dream Talker in October.

Eventually, I finished the corrections and enhancements enough to declare it DONE and done. I did that this morning, happily sending a .PDF and a .MOBI to a friend in California, one day before I noticed an editorial note smack dab in the middle of Chapter 28. I hope she doesn't notice.

I bought a copy of "Formatting and Submitting your Manuscript" (3rd edition) and "Writer's Marketplace".

Yes, my skeptical sycophants, I did break down and buy a couple of books on doing the traditional publishing thing. Both books on publishing were sitting on the same shelf as "Do Your Own Divorce". Hmmmm.

WHAT I'M GETTING READY TO DO
I'm going to find a real publisher for "Dream Talker". Or an agent. Or a cheap editor. Better yet, a fairy godmother (FGM).

The FGM will tell me how great and wonderful I am, hook me up with Harper Collins, sign me to a movie deal, and make me handsome and popular.

What I need now is a plan.

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Oooooh-KAY! A month later, I figure out the reason nobody reads this post. It's because I didn't know how to use the "edit" link. Herewith, the rest of this post will contain those pertinent remarks I formerly added as comments.
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Jan 5, 2013
FIRST THINGS FIRST

I need a checklist. That's what I'll do today. I'll make me a checklist. Let's see:

[ ] Write the query "hook"
[ ] Write a real biography
[ ] Write a generic query letter
[ ] Write an electronic generic query letter
[ ] Put manuscript in correct format
[ ] Write the chapter outline
[ ] Get 3-5 creditable endorsements
[ ] Write the endorsements page
[ ] Find out what an "epigraph" is
[ ] Write the epigraph page
[ ] Short synopsis
[ ] Long synopsis


I need a mission statement. How's this:

"MISSION: Publish 'Dream Talker' through a conventional publishing house, or convince an agent to represent me in that quest. The mission must be accomplished within six months or I'll seriously consider self-publishing again (ghaag)."

The gagging sound is optional, in case you're reading this blog out loud.

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Jan 05, 2013 08:08am

THE QUERY HOOK

"Adrian Bishop didn’t believe the stories about a Cherokee shaman who could stop the rain. That is, not until he saw it for himself. When his girlfriend, Ella Stone, offers to take him to meet this medicine man, Amanita White Bear, things go bad. She ends up threatening Amanita to make him divulge the secret to stopping the rain. His body is discovered the next day and the rains begin in earnest. Her father suffers a nervous breakdown and is committed to a mental hospital. Adrian disappears suspiciously, and Ella learns Amanita has levied a curse that will kill everyone she loves. Now she must join forces with Henry Deer-in-the-Water, a mysterious Cherokee shopkeeper who knows far more than he should about Amanita’s curse. He has a plan that will save Ella’s family, but at a deadly cost."


Hmmm? I can already see changes I'll want to make. I'd better get busy with the biography.

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Jan 05, 2013 05:35pm

THE BIOGRAPHY

I have my choice of three:

#1 - I am a graduate of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. I have taught survival, investigated aircraft crashes, programmed computers, hunted embezzlers, and written one or two fantastic letters of complaint. I have also written technical manuals for the military and private industry, and published poetry and short stories in eRomance and eHumor magazines.

#2 - Born in Raleigh, North Carolina, I spent my high school years in Lima, Peru. I returned in 1968 to study psychology at the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill. After graduation, I entered the Navy and served as an Aerospace Physiologist until my retirement in 1993. Today, I write from a small tree farm in Neshoba County, Mississippi.

#3 (from eHumor magazine) - "Jon Etheredge is the end result of a youth wasted on the sandy beaches of Lima, Peru. He is a man without guile, without pretense, without ambition. His mold was cast in the fourth grade when his teacher, Mrs. Ebinotia Mummelsome wrote, 'John (sic) is failing to live up to his potential'. When asked to comment, Jon pushed aside the half-dozen or so empty longnecks and said that Mrs. Mummelsome could rot in hell."

I think I'll keep #1

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Jan 07, 2013 06:21pm

I'm slaving over the first draft of the synopsis right now (no...that's a lie...I'm cleaning the living room). I hope to take that draft and shrink it down to 2-3 pages for the short synopsis. Then I'll do the long synopsis (ten pages, maybe). Then I'll write the chapter outline and figure out how much rewriting is still required.

Ohh, all those movie deals, and here I am locked in the house and forced to clean the living room. I'll NEVER get discovered this way.


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Jan 10, 2013 05:54am

Jon Etheredge I'm still working on the long synopsis, I think. Something strange happened yesterday...the synopsis stopped making sense. There was something wrong with the plot development and I was only able to see the problem when I tried to boil down the story into the short form.

It shouldn't be too hard to fix the missing elements, so naturally I'm putting it off until I finish reformatting the manuscript. I know I'm avoiding the real work. I don't care.

Work is hard.


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Jan 20, 2013 10:30am

FINAL ULTIMATE LAST REWRITE IS DONE!

So last night, I sat at the keyboard and started to update the synopsis. Then I stopped.

It made more sense to write the chapter outline first. So I started formatting the pages and punching in bullet points.

Many a sleepless hour later, I am of the opinion that this process would go a lot smoother if I had a fairy godmother standing behind me telling me when I'm doing it right. Of course, that opens the window to being repeatedly smacked across the back of the head with a wand when I do stuff wrong. Just like my third grade penmanship teacher, Mrs. Prudence Rosethorn, used to do when I produced the occasional misshapen "S", except she used a Westcott R501 heavy duty 18" single-edge maple ruler to smack me across the knuckles. Why, for God's sake, would you hit my knuckles? I NEEDED them to make that perfect "S" you were hitting me for not writing. Half a century later, I'm still upset at that horrid old bag of Phit.

I need to go to Walmart.

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Feb 07, 2013 06:02pm

THE OUTLINE IS FINISHED!

I find it hard to believe how much impact the chapter-by-chapter outline made on the story. Tighter plot, deeper characters, improved structure...I can't tell you all the edges that were smoothed out.

Note to Self: Write outline first, then write story, then write chapter-by-chapter outline, then rewrite story, then write the synopses.

Somewhere in there, run a little program like TEXAND's "Heal-a-Doc". You can download a trial version for free. It analyzes your manuscript to find word frequencies, problematic words, cliches, and more features than I want to delve into at this point.

Next: The long synopsis (again!).

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Feb 13, 2013 10:24pm

THE LONG, LONG SYNOPSIS

I finally fleshed out my bullet points into a Gen-You-Whine long synopsis. "Hey, Honey! Wanna hear somethin' I wrote?"

"God, NO!" (sound of dogs barking. front door slams, trapping cartoon curly-lines in the jamb.)

Given to an intemperate disposition and graced by the Sovereign State of Mississippi with a concealed carry permit, my wife was reluctant to hear it again, and I was far too wise to press the issue. Instead, I read it to my cat, Peanut.

"You're having a continuity issue, aren't you?" he asked (although being a cat, he didn't phrase it as a question).

"What can I do about it?"

"uhrrrrr...try joining some of your sentences with articles or participles or something," he recommended, twisting around to nibble at an itchy spot just south of his bobtail. It was obvious to me that this cat was trying to bluff his way into the conversation. His command of the technicalities of English was, at best, sub par.

"Conjunctions?" I offered snidely.

"Nah," he said. "It's just an old hemorrhoid."

Lessons Learned:
1. Cats aren't as good at editing as they might want you to believe.
2. Never EVER kiss a cat.

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Feb 18, 2013 10:24pm

THE CHECKLIST REVISITED

[*] Write the query "hook"
[X] Write a real biography
[*] Write a generic query letter
[X] Put manuscript in correct format
[X] Write the chapter outline
[ ] Get 3-5 creditable endorsements
[ ] Write the endorsements page
[X] Find out what an "epigraph" is
[X] Write the epigraph page
[X] Short synopsis
[X] Long synopsis

So, today I'm going to update the query hook and draft a sample query letter. Then I have to clean up a plot problem in the manuscript (1 paragraph, maybe 2). Right now, I am re-reading "Formatting and Submitting Your Manuscript" to see whether I really need endorsements. Then, the hunt for an agent begins!

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Feb 21, 2013 6:44pm

'OOOOOOHHHH, NOOOOOOOO!'
- mr. bill

All the hard work was about to be worth it. I made a .MOBI and sideloaded the new book into my Kindle and took the wife to lunch at "City Limits" - an honest to goodness four-star restaurant in the middle of Philadelphia.

To drink, we ordered tea. She wanted unsweet. I ordered half-n-half (a Southernism for lightly sweetened tea). Hers was delivered without a straw, and within seconds of obtaining one, she discovered her glass had been filled with sweet tea.

I clamped my hands around her mouth the muffle the blasphemy. Here is a brief sample:

"Goodness gracious, that li'l ole waitress gave me sweet tea, bless her li'l heart."

(Translation: "I can't swallow this *DELETED*, it's *DELETED* vomit, *DELETED*, *DELETED* incompetent *DELETED*, gimme my gun, gimme my gun, where's that *DELETED* gonorrhea bullet?")

Now that she was in the mood, I popped the question - "Would you..."
"Yes."
"Would you please..."
"Yes!"
"...take this Kindle and read the first three pages of the book?"

I got that familiar, funny look. She mumbled something about a bullet, took the Kindle and in slightly more then seven seconds found a misspelling.

"What a nimrod!" she laughed.

The waitress heard one of her customers having a good time and came over to break it up. "Kin ah gitch'all sum moah tee?"

I was still a trifle parched, so I negotiated half a glass of unsweet. I had barely finished when the wife pointed at the glass and asked, "What's that?"

Stuck to the inside of my glass was a thin green membrane about 1/2" square.

"What is it?" she asked.

"Lettuce."

"Did you order lettuce?"

"No. Just roast beef and fries."

"Well, now you've had your greens."

I called the waitress over and explained how much effort it took to keep from involuntarily returning lunch for a refund.

She took the lettuce, put it back into the glass and walked off, saying, "Oh, wow."

"Honey? You still got that gonorrhea bullet?