We're DOOMED. Sorta.
The world as we know it ends in three more days. Everybody is taking the news quite well.
We are still murdering each other. Sorta not worth the effort.
We are still cooking our own food in our own kitchens, and cleaning up afterward. The end of the world makes me crave Mexican food. Expensive Mexican food, paid for with a credit card. Sorta bill me later, amigo.
And hey, amigo - dawn-day ess-tahn tow-dough lowss Mayans? Sorta incriminating, them having started this whole thing and now they show up missin'.
I think I'll set aside the new book until, say, Monday. In the meantime, I have a few questions for God.
1. What time Friday?
2. Is there going to be paperwork?
3. Will you let me explain my fourth grade report card?
4. Do you have Cheez-Whiz?
Jon
Author Behaving Badly
We are still murdering each other. Sorta not worth the effort.
We are still cooking our own food in our own kitchens, and cleaning up afterward. The end of the world makes me crave Mexican food. Expensive Mexican food, paid for with a credit card. Sorta bill me later, amigo.
And hey, amigo - dawn-day ess-tahn tow-dough lowss Mayans? Sorta incriminating, them having started this whole thing and now they show up missin'.
I think I'll set aside the new book until, say, Monday. In the meantime, I have a few questions for God.
1. What time Friday?
2. Is there going to be paperwork?
3. Will you let me explain my fourth grade report card?
4. Do you have Cheez-Whiz?
Jon
Author Behaving Badly
date
newest »
newest »
Thursday, December 20thMankind's final day
STATUS: The winds of doom sliced through the evening's calm. A little Beano took care of it, but the cat is still hiding.
UNRESOLVED ISSUE: Spouse did not accept my explanation about why I haven't bought any stocking stuffers. Actually, I haven't actually started shopping at all. What's the point? If the Mayans were right, there won't be anybody around on Christmas to open presents. Just to be safe, I figured I'd wait and see whether I was still here on Saturday before making the drive into town. Then she said it wasn't about Doomsday. "Jon," she said, "it's all about faith, and honesty, and showing the people in your life how much you care, and blah, blah, blah." She was right. What good will money do me if the world really does end tomorrow? Unless, of course, there are pay toilets in Hell.
Jon
Author Behaving Badly
Thursday night. 6:27 pm Central Standard Time.Mankind's final night
STATUS: I checked Drudge, and there's no news out of Kiribati. Either nothing is happening or the lines to the switchboard at Cassidy International Airport have been sucked out into space. But since nothing ever happens on Christmas Island, anyway, this could be a simple case of "no news is no news."
POSSIBLE EXPLANATION #1: The world will not blow up. At least not all at once like Alderon did. We could still catch fire.
POSSIBLE EXPLANATION #2: The Mayans meant December 21st in Chichen Itza. So we still have between six and thirty hours to go before KA-BLOOEY.
POSSIBLE EXPLANATION #3: God is waiting until "Seinfeld" is over. This is irony at its best - nothing happens to the world because of a show about nothing...well, it was funny when I first thought of it.
Jon
Author Behaving Badly
It's HERE! It's HERE! Ladies and gents, mesdames et messieurs, damen und herren, boys and girls...The Apocalypse is Upon Us!I felt it this morning when I drove the A-Car to the gas station. It's a 2000 white Ford Contour. The wife named it the "A-Car" 'cause it's so plain the Amish would drive it.
Coming back from the gas station, I felt a lurch and a twist, a shuddering hesitation that threatened to wrench my car clean off the road! It was as though the Hand of God had touched the asphalt and split the Earth in two. I was doomed.
"What is it?" I cried. "What hath we wrought upon our very souls?"
"Yer coil unit is prob'ly gone bad." T'was an angel - nay, a Dark Angel speaking Truth and Reason and swathed from head to foote in blue with a breastplate inscribed with the cryptic message "BOBBY", crossed out indelibly and re-inscribed, "JAMES".
"Oh, what cruel fate is this that dances upon my very grave? What value hath the soul? Prithee speak upon it that I may settle my accounts."
"Eighty bucks."
"God! C'mon, it's a 2000! How 'bout a discount for, you know, the Apocalypse?"
"What alpaca?"
Just then, the Earth opened beneath us and swallowed humanity in one mighty gulp. Like the dinosaurs, nothing was left but a bad case of gas.
Yeah, I knew this was gonna happen.
Jon
Author Behaving Badly
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Two more days before the world ends.
STATUS: Everything is quiet. It's eerie. You'd think people would be in a temple or synagogue or mosque or church, on their knees and wailing about their sins. Nope. They're still going to Walmart and paying cash.
UNRESOLVED ISSUE: When does 12/21/12 start? Is it when the horizon passes the international date line? I only bring this up because if the world explodes as soon as the first humans turn the page on their wall calendar, most of Earth's population will die a day early - which would mean the Mayans were mostly wrong. But if God waits until everyone flips the calendar, all those people in Kiribati will be smote a day late - which would mean the Mayans were wrong, again.
My head hurts. I'm going to Walmart.
Jon
Author Behaving Badly