Increase your life expectancy

Increase your life expectancy

Here I am in picturesque West Wales, enduring my fifth day of unremitting rain and howling wind as the nation gears up to celebrate my mother’s 80th birthday. Saundersfoot is by no means a throbbing mass of excitement at the best of times, despite the prospect of tomorrow’s New Year swim by a collection of masochistic nutters desperate to see their photo in next week’s Tenby Times (probably in the Obituaries column!). In the circumstances I am forced to seek my entertainment in Mother’s collection of classic crime literature, in both book and DVD formats. All the greats are represented: Christie, Sayers, Marsh, Allingham, Wallace, Wentworth and even my humble self (though Mother is forbidden to read mine, due to all the swearing and graphic sex!). I have read, watched and learned much, so am here today to pass on my wisdom to you.

I shall start with some tips on increasing your life expectancy. No, no......not the tedious advice on cutting down on your pleasures and upping your exercise regime that you will find in the New Year editions of all the papers. My suggestions are far more important and immediate, since they will prevent you being messily slaughtered in the next week. Read, mark, inwardly digest. You’ll thank me later, if you’re still around!

1. Do not alter your will

This especially applies to people of mature years and great wealth. No matter how your family may have upset you, or how attractive that young actress appears, leave your will exactly as it is. It is even more important not to announce your intention of altering the will tomorrow. If you are telephoning your lawyer to show up at your place after dinner tonight, you might just as well ring the doctor and undertaker at the same time, and start making a list of your favourite hymns.

2. Do not re-marry

Almost always a mistake, especially if your new spouse is decades younger and millions poorer than you. If you really must risk it, at least check their history....to paraphrase Oscar “To lose one husband to a sudden gastric attack can be construed as a misfortune....etc..etc etc”

3. Do not sign any Life Insurance policies

Especially in your new husband’s favour two days after the honeymoon.

4. Do not attempt to blackmail any murderers

I mean, come on! They’ve already slaughtered three people in cold blood, and you’ve arranged to meet them down by the boathouse at midnight on the off chance that they’ll bung you 500 quid for your silence? Are you familiar with the phrase “Too stupid to live”?

5. Watch your diet

Under no circumstances eat any mushrooms, shellfish or curried mutton, especially served to you at large family gatherings or by a new spouse (see #2).

6. Watch what you say

You should never intimate that you might know who the murderer is, or might have spotted a discrepancy in an alibi. Specifically, you should refrain from calling up the police, asking to speak to the Detective Inspector urgently and then declining to leave a message when he is not available. Faster just to shoot yourself.

7. Choose your social contacts wisely

Do not invite Hercule Poirot down for Christmas, never go on a cruise with Jane Marple and never ever accept a weekend invitation if Jessica Fletcher is on the guest list.

8. Buy the right ticket in the postcode lottery

Never be persuaded to buy a house in a village whose name contains the word “Midsomer”.

.......and for those of you who prefer the films....

Never....


.....have a one-night stand with a man called Bond....learn from the fates of Jill Masterton, Plenty O’Toole, Strawberry Fields etc etc

...........attend the opening of the world’s tallest building, or buy a ticket for the maiden voyage of a new ship or aeroplane.

.........pop down the basement to see why the boiler isn’t working and check up on why your four young friends haven’t come back up yet.

.......allow yourself to be partnered with Dirty Harry.

Happy New Year.....be careful out there!